By Yang Laidi I’m Yang Laidi, sixty-two years old this year. In 1985, because my husband had health problems, our […]
Truly Knowing Yourself Only by Understanding the Truth
Wenwen Changchun City, Jilin Province
In my opinion, I have always thought that there would be a change as long as the apparent practices were suitable in which people would not see any corruption. Therefore, I paid special attention to the apparent practices for whatever I did. I only cared whether my practices were right or not, as long as the apparent behaviors and practices were reasonable. When faced with being pruned, I only cared if there was something wrong with my practice. I would be convinced if I was refuted in practices. I would not accept in further communications about knowledge of the corrupt nature. Later, sisters and brothers told me that one could make a change in disposition only by knowing his nature, and that I had not known my nature. After listening to the words of sisters and brothers, I started to learn knowing my nature. When someone said, “This revelation of showing off yourself is dominated by the nature of arrogance,” then I said, “Oh, I am arrogant, my nature is arrogant!” When someone said, “This behavior of libertinage is dominated by the human nature of evilness,” then I continued, “Oh, my evil nature.” Therefore, I thought it was not hard to know my nature as long as I had recited that these behaviors were dominated by which kind of nature one after another. If someone asked me, “By which nature is this behavior dominated?” Then I said, “It is arrogance, evilness, viciousness, craftiness….” This kind of asking and answering was like filling in the blanks, which seemed so easy. It turned out that sisters and brothers told me that I was knowing my nature on a superficial level. Hence, in later talking about knowing myself, I said, “I am too arrogant, without any limit. I’m too evil, and too vicious.” I thought that adding “too” to my previous knowledge would deepen my understanding. In this way, as I was not clear about the meaning of God’s requirement on humans’ knowing their nature, I just understood it through following the rules when seeing my revelation of corruption or about revelation of human nature, which was much like a parrot repeating the words of knowing himself instead of the real understanding and knowing from heart, so I did not hate myself, nor did I feel how dangerous it would be. Even hearing the harsh words from God, I would not feel shocked. Instead, I did not feel bothered, resulting in little change of my disposition. Even though I am stupid, numb, and poor in quality, God does not abandon me, but instead, He always guides and enlightens me, leading me to know myself. Especially in recent periods, God has guided and enlightened me much, which makes me understand the meaning of knowing my nature, as well as find the way to change my disposition.
A few days ago, I moved with a brother to a new host family. When we communicated after moving there, the old sister in the host family mentioned how the sisters and brothers she used to host revealed the corruption, as well as how she saw them. After listening to this, I did not respond anything and did not take it into heart, not to mention communicating the truth with the old sister, and things passed like that. After several days, another two brothers who performed duty with us came to us for accommodation for several days. After they had left, the old sister talked with us about her opinions with these two brothers, and at that moment, I had reactions in my mind: What you said mostly does not fit the fact. It is all your suspicion. God requests that sisters and brothers should love and help each other. I should practice the truth and communicate with you about the truth of being honest. Two days after our communication, the old sister came to me and said that which sentence of mine had restrained her, and which thing that I had done had restrained her. She also spoke out all of her thoughts, crying. Seeing this, I thought: You are really suspicious, even about everyone. This time it comes to me. This is no way. I have to communicate with you to be clear in order not to have prejudice against me. So, I came with a straight talk, in the sense that I pinpointed the nature of her revelation as well as her behaviors of suspicion and judgement. The old sister seemed to accept it, but she was not convinced inward. In the following days, she claimed of this kind and that kind of illness. Seeing this, I thought: You are not convinced inside, but pretend to accept it, isn’t this pretense and deception? There are lessons to learn even one is sick. You should introspect yourself, for you have been in continuous illness. Thinking of this, I got another “burden,” which led to me communicating with the old sister again. I told her that the illness was due to rebellion and corruption, and I asked her to introspect and know herself. However, in this communication, the old sister did not look well. She even did not pretend to accept it. At this time, I was dumbfounded, and I thought: I am so caring to help you and communicate with you over and over again. You do not accept that and even suspect me. You are such a dishonest person! If you do not take the truth, who else could help you? Forget it, I have nothing to do. It is up to you. I made the old sister bear all the responsibilities and my point of view was that she was too cunning and I was a good brother who practiced the truth, who was willing to help sisters and brothers and who could care about God’s will. Like this, I had many perceptions on the old sister and she would not communicate with me anymore.
Facing with this dilemma, I had to introspect: Am I wrong? I am not wrong that I helped the old sister out of caring when seeing her shortcomings. Is it because I did not rely on God? Not really, I prayed every time before communication with the old sister. I have nothing wrong in my practices, and I have not been in severe conditions like this in my previous helping others. The problem must lie in the old sister and it is because she is not innocent. However, when thinking in this way, I felt troubled. Especially when seeing the old sister suffering from the illness, I felt guilty. I wanted to help her from the bottom of my heart, however, I did not know how to cooperate. Having no choice, I came to God and sought for His help. I saw God’s words, “Your lips are more kind than doves, but your heart is more vicious than the old serpent. Even your lips are as beautiful as those of the Lebanese women, but your heart is no better than theirs, nor it is more beautiful than those of the Canaanites. Your heart is full of craftiness” (“Your Character Is Too Mean!” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). The words from God immediately touched my heart. I could not help introspecting what I had done those days and the thoughts behind it. When hearing the old sister talking about her judgements on other sisters and brothers, I did not respond for I thought it was none of my business and it would not hinder me; when hearing the old sister speaking out her prejudice on the two brothers who I was familiar with, I could not wait to communicate with her in case she misunderstood them; when hearing the old sister having opinions about what I had said and done, I paid more attention to communicating with her in case she had any opinions about me. I claimed that I was helping sisters and brothers out of caring. The fact was that I wanted to convince and defeat others by truth, to shut their mouths up, preventing others from judging me and infringing on my interests. My heart was full of viciousness. It was not caring. It was nothing about caring in its essence. Looking back, I did not show any caring to the old sister in the very beginning, nor did I show any consideration. The old sister started to host once she came to the house of God. She even took money from her home to buy the house and host in order to better do her duty, without any complaints. Because she lacked the usual meetings and communications, she had not deepened her experience in life. However, she was willing to pursue and she read God’s words as long as she was free. As she was not clear about the truth, she mistook the judgements on sisters and brothers behind their backs and the speaking of others’ shortcomings as burdens for them, and simply mistook the suspicion on sisters and brothers as frank speaking. She had no idea about which of them was suspicion and which of them was exaggeration. And I did not show any considerations for her. Regardless of her stature, I indiscriminately fought back as long as my interests were touched on, and I forced others to be convinced and confess. Am not I a living red dragon? For what reason should not I let others judge me? Even if others do not speak out, isn’t my essence evil and vicious? Isn’t the way that I lived the same as Satan’s? God said, “All thoughts in humans’ minds are poisons of Satan, even their breath smells like that of Satan. Sometimes, the eyes or the actions are full of the smell of temptation” (“Those Who Have Lost the Work of the Are Most at Risk” in Records of Christ’s Talks With Leaders and Workers of the Church). In , I found out the reason why my communications were not effective. It is because what I had done was all for myself, and was to defend myself. As long as my interests were not infringed, I did not care about others. I did not show my consideration about others’ weakness, nor did I consider whether others could withstand my communications and whether my communications brought any negative effects. My inside was full of the viciousness of Satan. It was Satan’s nature that dominated me inside. The way I lived was influenced by the vicious and corrupted disposition of Satan. What I had brought to people was harm and blow. How could others stand with this? What I said and did made God feel disgusted, and made the Holy Spirit not work. Then, how could my communications be effective?
God said, “Anyone could use his own languages and actions to represent who he really is, which is his nature. If you speak in a roundabout way, then your nature is roundabout; if your nature is crafty, then you act with sophistication, and deceive others easily; if your nature is sinister, then your languages might sound beautiful, but your behaviors could not cover your sinister means; if your nature is lazy, then your languages defend for your perfunctoriness and laziness, and your actions will be slow, perfunctory, and good at covering the truth; if your nature is considerate, then your language will be understanding and your actions will be in accord with truth; if your nature is loyal to anyone, then your languages must be very sincere, and your actions will be down-to-earth, which makes your master set his mind at rest; if your nature is lecherous and greedy for money, then your heart will always be filled with these, and you will unconsciously do something aberrant and immoral, which would be unforgettable and disgusting” (“A Very Serious Problem: Betrayal (1)” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). In God’s words, I realized that the revelation and living of human were dominated by the nature. What kind of nature inside will decide what disposition reveals outside, which is inevitable. If there is something evil inside, then the behaviors will be dominated by the evil nature, and will never have something kind. When I was wrong in my motivation in the communications with the old sister, what inside me was not dominated by God, truth or positive things, but instead by Satan. The way that I lived was the image of Satan. Hence, my communication would not bring any benefits to others. If I encountered this kind of thing in the past, I would have focused on the apparent practices. I would have thought that I had not led the church and I was not good at communicating with others, in the sense that I would have defended myself with myriads of reasons. Not until today have I realized that the appearance does not play a decisive role, and it is whether the heart kind or not matters. It is important to see what is the essence inside. For example, if someone really loves another person, he will observe and pay attention to what she likes with his heart, and finally express his love for her and make her feel it. If I loved my sisters and brothers inside, I would have paid more attention and shown more consideration for others in their difficulties and feelings, and then taken appropriate methods or ways and proper languages or tones to communicate with others. Even if I did not solve others’ problems, I would not have brought harm to them. Because there is no love inside me, what I reveal is evilness, even if my apparent practices are good and right. God loves human, so no matter how He acts is the revelation and manifestation of love. God said, “The intention of God’s words is to change and save human. Only speaking in this way will it achieve the best effect. You should see the caring and thought of God are totally for saving human, which reveals . Regardless of the wisdom in God’s work, or the steps and ways of His work, or the length of the work and the precise schedule, there is always love in it. For example: Humans show their love to their children and they have made much effort in putting them in the right path. When they find the shortcomings of their child, if they speak too gently, their child would not listen to them and he would not change. If they speak too harshly, they might be afraid of hurting the child’s self-esteem, and that he might not able to bear it. All of this reflects the much effort dominated under love. You, as children, might all have felt the love of parents. The gentleness and caring count for love, and the rigor and chastening are love too. It is even more so that God treats humans in the dominance of love. He has the premise of love, so He tries every means to save those corrupted people, instead of dealing with them in a perfunctory manner. He precisely plans, and follows steps. In terms of time, location, tones, ways of speaking and the efforts He has made—there is nothing that does not show His love. Everything fully demonstrates that His love for humans is infinite and immeasurable. Many people said rebellious words and complaints in the trial of service-doers, however, God did not fuss over it, not to mention the fact that He did not punish anyone for that. He tolerates all because He loves humans. If there was no love but hatred from Him, He would have convicted humans, but there is love, so God does not bother it, and forgives all. He can show His understandings for the difficulties of humans. All these are totally under the dominance of love” (“Do You Recognize God’s Love for Humans?” in Records of Christ’s Talks With Leaders and Workers of the Church). The essence of God is love, so the announcement of God is also love. God’s love for humans is not reflected orally, but embodied practically in His work, in every step of His work, and in the ways of His work. How and when God works on every single person, what people, things or occurrences He arranges for him and how long He will refine him, all of which reflect God’s precise planning and painstaking effort. All God’s practical work without exception permeates His pure love for humans. God loves humans to such extent that no matter how humans resist, rebel, complain and misunderstand Him, He will bear with it in silence. All these make me see the greatness and nobility of God. In comparison, I am an ugly and contemptible scum belonging to Satan. Recognizing all of these, I frankly shared the vicious things in my heart with the old sister. The estrangement between us has gone unknowingly. I thank God from the bottom of my heart. To God be the glory.
I did not understand the meaning of God’s requirements on knowing my essence in the past. I understand it today due to the experience. Once a person is corrupted by Satan, his nature becomes Satan’s nature. Regardless of speaking and acting, or thoughts, they are all dominated by human nature. One can deal with his corrupted disposition and gradually change it, only if he knows about his nature. If one has no knowledge of his nature, he can only suffer from the dominance by Satan’s nature and rebel and resist against God, unconsciously, not to mention that he cannot change his disposition. From now on, I will change the wrong method in the past which is paying much attention to the appearance. I will not try to make a fuss about apparent practices, nor will I know my nature through following the rules. I will honestly and sincerely take God’s judgement and chastisement, know my nature, and truly recognize my nature, in the revelations of God’s words, in order to change my disposition as early as possible, and be saved by God.