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God’s Words Helped Me out of the Pain of Loss of My Son – God’s Grace
By Lu Ying
One early morning, I read the following passage of God’s words: “The Almighty has mercy on these people who suffer deeply. At the same time, He is fed up with these people who have no consciousness, because He has to wait too long for the answer from humans. He desires to seek, seek your heart and your spirit. He wants to bring you food and water and to awaken you, so you are no longer thirsty, no longer hungry. When you are weary and when you begin to feel the desolation of this world, do not be perplexed, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival any time” (“The Sighing of the Almighty”). When I read them, I was filled with all sorts of feelings. It was God that saved me from the verge of death; God’s love awakened my numb soul. From my heart I gave thanks for God’s salvation for me, without which I wouldn’t exist in this human world. In pondering this, the memory, unforgettable and unbearable to recall, came to my mind.
My husband and I had a son and daughter, who were outstanding, obedient and sensible. My daughter worked abroad after receiving her doctorate there; my son held a post in an official department. This made me much proud and happy. I enjoyed my retirement life which was peaceful and quiet every day, with the company of my children. But good times didn’t last long. My husband, who should have been healthy, suffered a brain stem embolism all of a sudden. After being rescued and hospitalized, he became gruff and irritable. He was liable to get angry and smash things about a very little thing. Having to attend to his life, as well as his nasty temper, I felt weary in body and mind every day.
One day, when I was busy with something, my phone rang. It was from my son’s colleague, saying, “Please come to the hospital at once. You son is dying….” Listening to the news, my brain was in buzz. I felt the sky and the earth were spinning around and that I was unable to stand by myself. “My son has always been healthy. How come that he is sick to the point of death? What acute sickness has he got? It was just one week ago that he came to help me care for his father. These days, I have rung his home number a few times, but there has been no answer. It gave me the thought that he was on business.” Thinking of this, I bitterly regretted not having gone to his house to check it. When reaching the hospital, I rushed with quick steps to the upstairs ward, where, I saw my son lying on the bed, his eyes closed tightly. I threw myself onto his body, calling out his name repeatedly. But he could no longer hear my calls. … At that very moment, I felt as if my sky collapsed. I asked myself one time after another: Is it real that we are separated forever, since my son will never come to life and I will never see him again? How much I wish all this were but a nightmare! …
I didn’t know how I got home in dizziness. Slumping onto the bed, I felt my heart was bleeding: When my husband is still in illness, my son died a sudden death. One after another, these grievous news came upon me, and all at once, the two props of my life collapsed. I just couldn’t accept such a fact. As my daughter was abroad, my son became my only sustenance, my only spiritual pillar. Especially after my husband was ill, everything in my home, big or small, was handled and arranged by my son. His death took away my reliance of life, as well as my courage to live on. I was bathed in tears every day, feeling so grieved that I didn’t want to live. Lost and helpless, my whole being became absent-minded, and completely broke down. My only wish then was to see my son again in my dream, to know how he was….
During that time, the grief of my son’s death was hanging over me. His every smile and every move was still alive, just like a film replay; and they lingered on. In the past, my husband and I would cook many tasty dishes, and then waited for him to return home after work, to have the meal together. Every time I saw him devour them ravenously, my heart flowered. In the past, my son often took my husband and me to go sightseeing. The time we spent together was so happy and joyful. But now, all this was gone, never to be restored. Every time I thought of these, I would be drawn into the whirlpool of grief where I couldn’t extricate myself. I would believe that only my fate was bitter. Looking back on my life, my mother passed away when I was little, so I hadn’t enjoyed motherly love and the warmth of family. In my old age, I lost my son and now my husband was sick abed. … How should I face my life to come? I was anguished. I closed my eyes, daring not to pursue the thought. I felt my life had come to a dead end. Although my relatives and friends often came to my house to comfort me, to accompany and enlighten me, they couldn’t basically solve my pain. In despair, I thought of death. I imagined that after death I could reunite with my son, for he was my own flesh and blood. And I could get rid of all the worries and troubles in the human world. Therefore, the only thing I had in my mind was to seek chances to die as soon as possible, so as to reunite with my son.
Later, my daughter knew that my husband and I were going through a hard time. So she meant to come back from abroad to work and take care of us. I was especially happy for that, thinking: This time, I could neglect my family, and shift it to my daughter. In order not to affect my families, I decided to die away from them, unbeknown to anyone. We had a house in Hainan, so I made an excuse that I wanted to spend the winter there. My daughter considered the good environment and agreeable weather there could help heal our sorrow. Thus she came to Hainan with us. There I made another excuse that I wanted to see more of the sea, so we rented a room in a seaside apartment, where there lived four other people. I thought: When I die, they can help notify my daughter, who can take my husband home. Everything arranged properly, I began to seek for a chance to kill myself. However, it was not easy as I had imagined. During the day, there were great numbers of visitors on the seaside; till the late night, there were still many people singing incessantly there. When I was waiting and hovering, God saw my despair and helplessness. He saved me from the verge of death, brought me back to His home, and changed my life forever.
One night, I came to the seaside square with my husband. He went for a stroll on the sandy beach, while I was thinking of ways to end my life. Just then, from the distance came two old ladies. When they noticed that I in an absent-minded trance, was motionless, like a statue, one of them asked me solicitously, “Sister, are you OK? You seem not feeling well.” Hearing her accent, I recognized her as my fellow townsman. The immediate sense of closeness got me to talk with them. We talked about belief in God, and with mutual satisfaction. Before we parted, they gave me a book of God’s word, telling me to read it attentively after back home. And I read the book diligently after I arrived home. From it I knew that God created the heavens and earth and all things, and that man was also created by God. Although I didn’t understand much of what was in the book, my heart was much brighter after I finished reading it. When I saw God’s words say: “When you are weary and when you begin to feel the desolation of this world, do not be perplexed, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival any time” (“The Sighing of the Almighty”), my tears gushed out. I thought of myself who owned nothing now. My husband was severely ill, my son died of illness, and my family became incomplete. God’s comforting words, like a warm current, flew into my heart and made me feel very warm. I felt a kind of returning home, as well as being cared for by kin. And for the first time after losing my son, I felt my grief was lightened somewhat. Since that day on, brothers and sisters often came to have a heart-to-heart with me, and we fellowshiped God’s words together. Gradually, my wish to die became weaker and weaker.
One day, I went to attend meeting and learned that the host sister’s son lost contact with her. Worried that her son might have had an accident, she cried her eyes red. This sight immediately put me in mind of my dead son. I could no longer control my emotion, but burst into loud wails and sobbed out my misfortunes. Then, a sister found for me a passage of God’s words: “Many people go their whole lives without having their wishes fulfilled. Is this really because of a fault in their thinking? Many people’s lives are filled with unexpected happiness and satisfaction. Is this really because they expect too little? Who of the whole of mankind is not cared for in the eyes of the Almighty? Who does not live in the midst of the Almighty’s predestination? Whose birth and death come from their own choices? Does man control his own fate? Many people cry out for death, yet it is far away from them; many people want to be those who are strong in life and fear death, yet unbeknownst to them, the day of their demise draws near, plunging them into the abyss of death; many people look to the skies and sigh deeply; many people cry great, wailing sobs; many people fall amidst trials; and many people become the prisoners of temptation” (“The Eleventh Utterance”). She said, “Sister, none of us can control our own destiny or choose our life and death. They are in God’s control. And God has His time and His arrangements for who dies and who lives. Just as God’s words say: ‘Many people cry out for death, yet it is far away from them.’ You wanted to die, but have you made it? No. We can’t choose our life or death. God has the last say in them.” After listening to her words, my heart became calm: It’s just the case. I want my son back but he can’t; I want to find him but it’s impossible. Now I see, all this is ruled by God and can’t be influenced by any man.
We read another passage of God’s words: “God created this world and brought man, a living being unto which He bestowed life, into it. In turn, man came to have parents and kin and was no longer alone. Ever since man first laid eyes on this material world, he was destined to exist within the ordination of God. It is the breath of life from God that supports each living being throughout his growth into adulthood. … All who come into this world must experience life and death, and many have experienced the cycle of death and rebirth. Those living will soon die and the dead soon return. All of this is the course of life arranged by God for each living being” (“God Is the Source of Man’s Life”). Each word of God carries authority and shocked my heart: Right. Just as God’s words say: “Those living will soon die and the dead soon return.” As a doctor, I have first-hand experience of it. In the hospital, it’s a common occurrence that someone dies and at the same time, many new lives are born every day. This is the course of life God has arranged for every living being; this is what no one can alter. We don’t have the power to control our own destiny; we do have the duty to accept God’s sovereignty, and to obey His ordination, orchestration and arrangement.
That night, I slept peacefully, soundly, and rather sweetly. And from then on, the long-forgotten smile has reappeared on my face. I walked to attend meetings with light and quick steps. As I walked, I thought: Although my son is gone, I now have God’s love for me and the care of brothers and sisters. We give spiritual help to each other, and we are closer than kin. I must keep on living resolutely, believe in God properly, and pursue the truth diligently, so as to repay God’s love for me.
Thinking back, my life was reduced from joy, harmony, peace, and happiness to loneliness, desolation, illness, and helplessness. As a result, I was worn out to the point of breakdown several times. But for God’s love, I would have died far from home; but for God’s salvation, I would have been a son of hell; but for the disclosure of God’s words, I wouldn’t have known the mysteries of life, let alone the meaning of it. In fact, each man has to experience birth, death, illness and old age. This is ordained by God and no one is an exception. There is nothing special in my experience itself, but through it I saw God’s salvation for me. It was the leading, guidance, enlightenment, and illumination of God’s words that pulled myself together; it was God’s profound love that gave me the hope of life; it was God’s words that awakened my numb soul. I sincerely thanked God and praised God. Now, I have already walked out of the shadow of losing my son. My daily life is greatly enriched by reading God’s words, singing hymns and praying to God, attending meetings and praising God. To conclude, I’m willing to offer a poem to express my gratitude to God:
In declining years I lost my son, tearful day after day.
Having decided no return, I traveled afar to Hainan.
Directionless in life, I attempted to die there.
God’s salvation bestowed, His words warmed my heart.
God’s love and mercy for me, I tasted in person.
God’s words are the truth, as I have born in mind.
God’s orchestration I obeyed, and a happy new life I have gained.
Following the Holy Spirit, my life is wholly renewed.
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