By Yang Laidi I’m Yang Laidi, sixty-two years old this year. In 1985, because my husband had health problems, our […]
It’s Not Easy to Truly Know Yourself
Zhang Rui Hangzhou City, Zhejiang Province
I was a deceitful person. In we can see that deceitful people will not be saved by God; only honest people will receive His praise. So, I sought to be an honest person, to consciously practice speaking accurately, to be objective and practical, and to seek the truth from facts when reflecting issues. In my work, whether it was an error or an omission, I related it in detail to the leader. I also consciously dissected and exposed my own corruption. … Every time I put this into practice, I felt that I had undergone some change and I got a little taste of being an honest person.
In fellowship in a recent co-workers meeting, speaking of how we must learn to differentiate between different types of people in our service to God, the leader asked me: “XX, what type of person do you think you are?” I thought to myself: I’ve undergone some changes recently, so I count as a relatively simple, open person. As for a bad nature, I feel I’m not that bad. As for a good nature, I don’t possess every expression of goodness, but at the very least I feel I’m simple, honest, and I don’t have a malicious heart. So, I responded with: “Relatively speaking, I count as being a simple, honest person with a good nature.” The leader said: “You think you have a good nature, that you are relatively simple and honest. So you would really dare to open up and expose everything about yourself? You are really 100% free of doubts toward God? You really dare to admit that in your words and actions there are no goals for personal intentions?” After hearing this, I felt defiant and explained defensively: “Didn’t the above say that good people still have corrupt dispositions, that they can display all sorts of corruption—isn’t this relative?” I was absolutely unwilling to let go of my own opinion.
After this happened, I carefully reflected on what the leader had said: Would I really dare to expose everything about myself? I wouldn’t. The things that I opened up about were just insignificant issues that didn’t impact my reputation or self-interest. The personal corruption that I opened up about was an expression of normal corruption that everyone has, but I had never dared to open up and expose the ugly, filthy things deep inside my heart. Was I really 100% free of doubts toward God? I was not. When my work didn’t bear fruit, when I was negative and weak, I misunderstood God and believed that I just rendered service, and it was useless to continue in this pursuit. And I did not believe 100% in , in God’s disposition. I didn’t believe that God would reward and punish people according to His words, so I frequently tested His disposition. When I was out running around and doing some work, it was all just conducting a transaction with God so that in the future I could be blessed and avert disaster; it was not to fulfill the duty that every creature should fulfill. Although there was the external presentation of good behavior, that was for other people to see, to give them a good impression. … Giving some thought to what this revealed, wasn’t it all a deceitful presentation? However, I did think that I was a relatively simple and honest person—isn’t this really not knowing myself? Think of what God said: “There is always a great discrepancy between mankind’s knowledge of their own nature and God’s revealing of their nature. This is not a mistake in God’s revelation; it is that humans’ knowledge of their own nature has too little depth. Mankind’s understanding of themselves does not come from the root or essence; people make an issue out of, and put a lot of time and energy into their actions and what is revealed on the surface. Even though some people can sometimes speak of some knowledge of themselves, it’s not terribly deep. No one has ever believed that if they could do this type of thing, or if there is something that is revealed, they are that type of person with that type of nature. What God reveals is mankind’s nature, mankind’s essence, but what people recognize is the mistakes or shortcomings in their actions or words. … People believe that their mistakes are just a transient representation that are revealed through carelessness, and they are not a revelation of their nature. … So when putting the truth into practice, they just superficially follow the rules, and that’s it. When people look at their own nature, they don’t see it as being very bad. … In actuality, based on the standard, it’s quite lacking. This is because looking from the outside, people only have some actions that are not contrary to the truth, but they have not really put the truth into practice” (“Recognizing Your Nature and Putting the Truth Into Practice” in Records of Christ’s Talks With Leaders and Workers of the Church). Through enlightenment from the words of God, I only then saw that my knowledge of myself was so shallow—I was trying to know myself from within my conceptions and from my own thinking, with no comparison to God’s words to recognize my own corrupt nature from within His words. I believed that I was simple, honest, and had a good nature; but it was merely that looking from the outside, I hadn’t done anything to seriously offend God’s disposition. In being an honest person I had stopped at just the external representation and I thought that telling a bit of the truth and doing a couple of actual things would be enough to meet the standard of being an honest person. I really was too arrogant; I really did not know myself! Little did I know that I did not at all possess the essence of an honest person, and I was a far cry from God’s standard. At that time I thought of Peter recognizing himself within God’s words. He always rigorously compared himself to God’s words in which He exposed people, so among all people, Peter knew his own corruption better than anyone and he was the most successful in his experiences. I have followed God for several years and I still don’t know myself. My ability to enter in is still too lacking; I truly am an embarrassment.
I give thanks to God’s enlightenment and guidance which have made me see my own poverty and pitifulness, and have also made me understand that truly knowing myself is not an easy thing. The only objective reality is knowing myself through God’s words. From this day forward, I am willing to know myself through God’s words, and whenever God’s words expose people’s corrupt nature I will be willing to rigorously measure myself against that. I will no longer measure myself from my own point of view, I will pursue a change in disposition, and I will comfort God’s heart by being a truly honest person.