Learning to Understand, I Can Deal With My Marriage Calmly

By Ah Hong, Hong Kong

In September 2016, my daughter started primary school. Feeling utterly helpless, I moved to Hong Kong from Shenzhen City with my two children.

mother and child

I couldn’t help recalling: Four years ago, my daughter would attend kindergarten in Hong Kong. For the convenience of her going to school, I moved to Shenzhen from Dongguan City with my two children. My husband worked in Dongguan, so he couldn’t live with us. From then on, our family of four began to live in two different locations. At that time, my son was only one year old, so I had to take him in my arms often. By day, I made meals for my daughter, picked up and saw off her, which made me very tired. In particular, when my children were ill, I could never sleep all night. My husband managed a factory, so he was so busy that he had no time to look after our children even though they were ill, which made me very sad in my heart. Sometimes, I exposed my difficulties to him by telephone; however, before we said few words, he said he was busy and let me talk about these things after he finished his work. But after that, he already forgot my matters.

About one year later, owing to working hard over the long term, one morning, when I wanted to get up to make a breakfast for my children, suddenly my waist was so painful that I had no strength to get up. I hastily gave my husband a call and let him come to help me. Unexpectedly, he was on a business trip and couldn’t come back right now. At that moment, lying on the bed, I was especially angry and anxious, felt wronged, and burst into tears. Helplessly, I had to ask my mother for help. But she must look after my paralyzed elder brother, and if she came to help me, she had to bring my brother and aged father over. However, my father was of a bad temper. He not only rattled on but also swore at people every day, so I especially feared to live with him from an early age. But now because I had the serious disease and my husband couldn’t come back right now, I had no choice but to let them come over and live together with us. From then on, I carefully read my father’s expression every day. My little carelessness might cause me to be scolded by him, so I was often in the sulks. After some time, I took it out on my husband and blamed him for living separately from us, and for being always busy with his work but having no time to accompany us. However, he always said: “I want to work hard and make much money while I’m young. If not so, what can we do in the future?” Every time I heard him saying these words, I felt very disgusted in my heart. Thereupon, we stuck to our own arguments and constantly quarreled. Our feelings as husband and wife were breaking up bit by bit.

Four years had passed and now my daughter would go to primary school and my son was in the K2 (the middle class in a kindergarten). Then we had an argument about moving again. My husband thought that, if we lived in Shenzhen, our daughter had to get up at 5:30 a.m. every day and go to school by cross-country school bus. He was worried that her body couldn’t bear it, so he wanted me to move to Hong Kong with our children. But as soon as I thought of the fact that I was a total stranger in Hong Kong and alone took care of my two children, and that I would not know whom I could turn to for help if there were emergencies or my children were ill, I felt very anxious. At the same time, I felt in my husband’s mind there were only our children, and that he never considered my feelings. For this we had quarreled for several months; finally, I had to listen to him and moved to Hong Kong.

When I first arrived, facing a strange environment and strange people, I felt more depressed. My daughter hadn’t adjusted to the new environment for a long time. When I brought her back from school every day, I felt her unhappiness. At home, she often quarreled with her young brother about a toy, a sheet of paper, a cookie, one word and so on. During my cooking, for a while, they argued with each other; for a while, they cried; for a while, they complained to me in turn. I often got insanely angry at their various kinds of arguments. I said these things to my husband, but he couldn’t understand my difficulties at all but said: “They are so little; aren’t these quite normal?” I thought no one could understand my mood; therefore, I lived in pain every day.

Book

As I was most disappointed and helpless, I got acquainted with a sister believing in God. She spread the gospel of God in the last days to me. When I, for the first time, listened to God’s word read by her, I was fascinated and touched. Though I could speak of little knowledge, I felt what God says is really good. Then she played a hymn of God’s word “God Is Seeking Your Heart and Your Spirit”: “The Almighty has mercy on these people who suffer deeply. At the same time, He is fed up with these people who have no consciousness, because He has to wait too long for the answer from humans. He desires to seek, seek your heart and your spirit. He wants to bring you food and water and to awaken you, so you are no longer thirsty, no longer hungry. When you are weary and when you begin to feel the desolation of this world, do not be perplexed, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival any time.” Hearing this hymn, I felt my heart had been seen through by God. God completely understood my heart and condition. I realized God’s mercy and that God was expecting that I could return to Him. After the hymn was over, I shed my tears because I felt I was understood and loved. These years what I did had never been understood by my husband; no matter how tired I was, he had never cared about me. But God’s word consoled me in this way. I felt God’s love for me, so I immediately accepted God’s gospel.

A period of time later, my mood gradually improved. What’s more, I found: Every time after I attended gatherings and prayed with my sisters, my heart could especially be calmed down; however, if I didn’t attend gatherings or pray for several days, my quiet heart would easily go right back to how it had been before. One time, my friends who lived in the Mainland came here, and I idled away my life in pleasure-seeking with them for several days, so I didn’t attend gatherings for a week. On the weekend, I brought my children back to Dongguan where my husband lived. In the evening, just because he got a phone call from a female friend, I suspected they had an inappropriate relationship and kept asking him. Afterward, I started to quarrel with him and quarreled more and more bitterly, so that we asked for a divorce. Though we both knew that we just said it to vent our anger, later, we gave the silent treatment to each other.

The next day, I sadly returned to Hong Kong. At a meeting, I communicated about my suffering with my sister. I told her all things between my husband and me. She showed me this passage of God’s word: “Marriage is a key event in any person’s life; it is the time when one starts truly to assume various kinds of responsibilities, begins gradually to fulfill various kinds of missions. People harbor many illusions about marriage before they experience it themselves, and all these illusions are beautiful.” “Whether marriage itself brings happiness or pain, everyone’s mission in marriage is predestined by the Creator and will not change; everyone must fulfill it. And the individual fate that lies behind every marriage is unchanging; it was determined long in advance by the Creator.” “Marriage is an important juncture in a person’s life. It is the product of a person’s fate, a crucial link in one’s fate; it is not founded on any person’s individual volition or preferences, and is not influenced by any external factors, but is completely determined by the fates of the two parties, by the Creator’s arrangements and predeterminations regarding the fates of the couple.” God’s word made me suddenly see the light. I saw that, whether marriage brings happiness or pain, it has been predestined by God, and that everyone’s mission in marriage will not change. Before, I lived in pain, often blamed my husband for giving me little care and took these things to my heart. To put it in a nutshell, just because I didn’t know God’s sovereignty and arrangement, I was discontented with my current circumstances. Now I realized that I can foresee nothing, that my notions count for little, and that it is God that arranges everything.

God’s word also says: “On the surface of it, the purpose of marriage is to continue the human race, but in truth marriage is nothing but a ritual that one undergoes in the process of fulfilling one’s mission. The roles that people play in marriage are not merely those of rearing the next generation; they are the various roles that one assumes and the missions one must fulfill in the course of maintaining a marriage.” God’s word made me understand: Although we have different marriages, different partners, and different characters, since we have had our family, we should fulfill our missions in the family. My husband is busy making money to support our family and he is being responsible for the survival of our children and me; I should take care of our children and play my part in my family. Each of us has our own role to play in our marriage. Since we are parents, we should bear our own responsibilities. We can’t flee them or complain. When I was pondering God’s word, my many years of grievances in my heart were all resolved.

The sister also fellowshiped with me: “Facing these things, you should pray to God more and read more God’s word.” After coming back, I prayed to God every day and told God my difficulties. Several days later, my husband came back. But he didn’t mention the divorce again and when I was cooking, he actively bathed our children and helped them with their studies. Before, he never did these things actively but got accustomed to my doing them. Seeing his changes, I no longer fought with him, much less mentioned the divorce. At this time, my daughter also became adjusted to the life of new school. Moreover, in an exam, she obtained fifth place in her class, which made us very happy.

From my experience I have seen that, when I am willing to obey God’s sovereignty and arrangements, and no longer complain about everything that I am faced with, I feel very calm and liberated in my heart. All these are God’s grace and blessings! Thank God!

Dear brothers and sisters, if you have any understanding or enlightenment from God, welcome to share with us via:1. The online chat window at the bottom of the website. 2. Send an email to [email protected].We sincerely hope we’ll grow spiritually through sharing with each other.

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