A disease made my marriage go in another way. In God’s words, I understand why I couldn’t control my marriage and I no longer hold the point of view “I’ll determine my marriage.”
How I Fled From the Marshland of Love – Spiritual Awakening
By Xiao Qian
My Imaginary Love Burst
When I was a young and naive girl, the romantic fictions of the writers of that generation accompanied me all along. After I read their love stories which were otherworldly, poetic and picturesque, thoughts used to throng my mind and the love pictured in their soul-stirring love stories was always the pursuit of my dream. I yearned for a vigorous and undying love and wanted to stay with my soul mate the rest of my life. However, my wish did not come true in reality. I got married in a rush under the arrangement of my parents before I found the love of my own by myself.
Feeling regret about never having a passionate courtship, I pinned the hopes on my husband and expected to receive from him the beautiful love which I had long yearned for. Against all my expectations, he didn’t understand my heart and had no sense of romance at all. After having been married for a year, he worked in another place far away from home and the transportation there was inconvenient. So he lived in his unit and came back home only on the weekend. Each time he was leaving, I saw him off with a lingering look. But he seemed to have no feeling. At that time, how I wished he would have comforted my expectant heart with some warm words. So many times, I watched him walking to the station with a grievance until he was out of my sight, and then I sadly went home. During the nearly eight years of long-distance marriage life, I was expecting his surprise for me every time he returned home; instead, what lay in store for me was always disappointment. Sometimes I sent him a postcard with a romantic poem or sweet words on his birthday or at a festival, yet he never reciprocated my affection. My dream and expectation ended in disappointment time after time. Our common language was getting steadily fewer. At countless night, my tears wetted the pillow towel, and I could not help but sigh, “How come I can’t get the love in fiction?”
My Dream of Love Brought Me Much Suffering
Afterward, my husband could stay together with me, and we began to manage our marriage. When we were not at work, he played on the computer and I read books. We talked little, but we led an easy life. I thought: Although my husband cannot give me romantic love, I will be very happy if we can spend the rest of our lives as we do now. This will fulfill my dream in youth that “we stay in the love before the mountain disappears and the world fades away.” But I had not imagined that my husband cheated on me. All of a sudden I felt as if the heavens had fallen and the earth had rent. Not only did I not get the love I had desperately sought for many years, but even my dream of staying together with my beloved the rest of my life would soon be stranded. I lived without any expectation and was absent-minded all day, just as if I were stuck in the marshland with no hope of survival and could remain feebly alive for some time. In the past two decades, I had been pursuing my dream in youth in expectancy. Despite great hardships, I had made painstaking efforts in the hope that I could get the true love of “taking the hands of someone to spend the rest of my life.” Unexpectedly, I ended up in the situation that “with my dream shattered, I’m more fragile than the yellow chrysanthemum.” I did not know how to continue my life. At that time, I only felt my afflicted heart groaning in my chest but I could not free myself from the pain. It’s said that “death quits all scores.” I thought that perhaps I would not be in such pain after I died. Thus I chose to commit suicide by slashing my wrists. But I was brought back.
One day two months later, during the breakup depression, a young man living in the building beside my house jumped down from the fifth floor and died. As I saw that scene and thought of my present state, gloom and desolation welled up inside. Did sincere and romantic love exist or not? Soon after, my best schoolmate came to visit me. She said to me ruefully, “Many years ago, my husband started to mess around with other women. In those days, I often took a bus back and forth aimlessly and alone in order to overcome the pain. Now I have no choice but to make do.” Hearing her painful experience, I could hardly believe my ears. Imagine how we envied their love before. How could things develop in such a way today? Her situation made me more bewildered: Why can’t love withstand a single blow in the reality? Could it be that the love I seek is just a dream and it can never come true?
Over those days, I neither wanted to go anywhere nor did anything and I used to be in a trance and stay in the empty house on my own. With that kind of inexpressible pain tearing at my heart, I often wanted to end my life there.
A Turn in Life
My mother saw me distressed and talked to me, “Mankind today is evil and depraved, the root cause is that we are corrupted by Satan. Thesays, ‘the whole world lies in wickedness’ (1 John 5:19). Moreover, the Lord said, ‘This is an evil generation’ (Luke 11:29). Since mankind is corrupted by Satan, it has been controlling this mankind, so that the whole mankind has becoming increasingly corrupt and the trend of the world has becoming more and more evil. Our conscience, sense, dignity, mind, morals, humanity and insight are severely affected by the evil trend of the world. As a result, it is inevitable that social morals and ethics worsen day by day and people’s hearts are growingly sinister. Therefore, we take pleasure in filthy and evil things and become licentious by nature. Besides, extramarital affair has become a very common phenomenon these days. Satan poisons man by means of knowledge, culture, thoughts, concept of value, social trends, etc. The romantic fiction you often read is also one of its means. In your reading of those fictions, different kinds of satanic poisons have been instilled into you. With a distorted mind, you live in the illusion of romantic love, suffering Satan’s poison and leading a life of misery. Some time ago, the brothers and sisters in the church shared a passage of with me. Let me read it to you, ‘So what knowledge does corrupt people? It’s knowledge that has Satan’s viewpoints and thoughts mixed in with it, Satan seeks to imbue these viewpoints and thoughts into humanity through knowledge. For example, in an essay, is there anything wrong with the written words? (No.) So, where would the problem be? The viewpoints and intent of the author when he wrote the essay as well as the content of his thoughts—these are spiritual things—are able to corrupt people. For example, if you were watching a television show, what sort of things in it could change your view? Would what the performers said, the words themselves, be able to corrupt people? (No.) What sort of things would corrupt people? It would be the core thoughts and content of the show, which would represent the director’s views, and the information carried in these views could sway people’s hearts and minds. Is that right? (Yes.)’ ‘Is forceful indoctrination done by man’s own choice? Is it done with man’s consent? (No.) It does not matter if you do not consent to it. In your unawareness it pours into you, instilling in you Satan’s thinking, its rules of life and its evil essence.’”
The Introspection of My Concept of Love
From this passage of God’s words and my mother’s knowledge and understanding of them, I suddenly realized the reason why I stuck in the marshland of love. Through romantic fictions, Satan forcefully instilled in me the concepts of love in my unawareness and immaturity such as “We stay in the love before the mountain disappears and the world fades away” and “Take the hands of someone to spend the rest of my life” etc. Those concepts made me greatly desire and pursue romantic love. In fact, the beautiful love is merely our good wish and does not exist in the real world at all. These viewpoints are poisonous baits with which Satan tempts and poisons us. In the reality, being influenced by those romantic fictions, everyone seeks the love pictured in them. As a result, many people become unsatisfied with their other halves and conduct extramarital affairs. Shouting the slogans like “Love is not a sin” and “Everyone has the right to love,” they begin to keep mistresses, pursue lovers, and go after BFFs. The whole society is devoid of morality and riddled with licentiousness. The world has become ever more dark and evil. So many families are broken apart; so many children suffer the wound in heart. I also gave up hope for life and nearly lost my life on account of pursuing the love which is like “the moon in water, the flower in mirror.” Thinking of these, I could not help but hate Satan for its contemptible intention of corrupting man and feel aggrieved at my being poisoned by the love thoughts in fictions.
Walking Out of the Marshland of Love
Looking back upon the past, I lived in the desire for the love in romantic fiction all the time and I was willing to be swayed in my consciousness. I sighed for it, feel depressed for it, labored for it, live for it, and even can die for it, sticking in the marshland of love and being brought to the brink of a desperate situation. These painful experiences enabled me to feel what I desired and sought is actually imaginary. The more I yearned for it, the more I desired it. The more I desired it, the more I could not get it. The more I could not get it, the more painful I became. This is an actual fact that has been proved by numerous victims.
One day, I saw a passage of God’s words in my mother’s notebook, “Truthfully speaking, if one only uses their idle time to focus upon and understand the’s words or deeds, and pay a little attention to the Creator’s thoughts and the voice of His heart, it will not be difficult for them to realize that the Creator’s thoughts, words and deeds are visible and transparent. Likewise, it will take little effort to realize that the Creator is among man at all times, that He is always in conversation with man and the entirety of creation, and that He is performing new deeds every day. His substance and disposition are expressed in His dialogue with man; His thoughts and ideas are revealed completely in His deeds; He accompanies and observes mankind at all times. He speaks quietly to mankind and all of creation with His silent words: I am in the heavens, and I am amongst My creation. I am keeping watch; I am waiting; I am at your side….” I was moved by these words. The Creator created us humans and He cares for and shows concern for us. He has been watching us silently by our side. When I was about to be devoured by Satan, He protected me in secret and patiently waited for me to wake up and return to Him. Only is sincere and real. Being deeply moved by His love, I began to practice praying to and drawing close to Him and to have meetings, fellowship about the truth, and praise God together with the brothers and sisters. I felt the peace and happiness I had never felt before. I truly experienced that God’s love toward us is so great. It was out of His love that I received the great protection and salvation, and was able to walk out of the marshland of love and escape the clutches of Satan. I truly thank God for His salvation toward me. All the glory be to God!
Dear brothers and sisters, if you have any understanding or enlightenment from God, welcome to share with us via:1. The online chat window at the bottom of the website. 2. Send an email to [email protected].We sincerely hope we’ll grow spiritually through sharing with each other.