With God, I’m No Longer Empty and Helpless

Ruth    United States

I Degenerated as My Heart Strayed From God

I was told in the Sunday school when I was a child that God is the Creator and that all things come from Him. However, with my age increasing, I learned from knowledge that the world was materialistic and that all things came into being on the basis of evolution. In the beginning, I wondered why my school’s teaching was different from what the teacher said in the Sunday school, and which was actually right. But, gradually, as I learned more and more knowledge, I was assimilated by materialism in the textbooks. I started to depend on the knowledge I’d grasped to solve all kinds of difficulties I met in my life and study. Whenever the difficulty was resolved, a sense of admiration for knowledge crept up in my heart. Gradually, knowledge became the standard by which I judged whether one had wisdom or not, and I even hoped to change my fate relying on knowledge. From then onward, I forgot to pray to God and rely on God in everything; instead, I depended on myself to deal with everything and looked up information when there was an issue. The image of God became more and more blurred in my heart. As such, I chose to follow the trend—pursuing knowledge and worshiping it.

Higher Levels of Education Do Not Equal a Happy Life

In 2000, I realized my dream and was admitted into a top university in China. I thought I had embarked on a happy life since then, but things didn’t turn out the way I had imagined.

I remember when I was about to graduate from the university, I began to hesitate whether I should apply to domestic or foreign graduate schools. Once on the road, I met an alumna by accident, whom I had not seen for long. Having known she was then a real estate sales clerk, I was very astonished and said to her: “How come you work as a sales clerk? You did so well in your major. Isn’t it a pity that you gave it up?” She said coolly: “Don’t make a fuss. The school is an ivory tower. After you graduate and come out of it, you’ll know little of what you’ve learned in college can be put into practice. So, I changed my profession. Do you still remember XX? Her family sold their house to afford the money for her study abroad. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find a job for which she was trained after returning home. On top of that, she is proud and arrogant, so she failed to attain a high post and is unwilling to take a low one. As a returnee, she now stays at home all day unemployed and lives off her parents.” Hearing her words, I couldn’t help but feel melancholic in my heart: The two alumnae were both high-achieving students in our school. Now, however, one has altered her profession, and the other has been at home unemployed after returning from study overseas. Why can’t they control their own fates with high academic achievements? At that moment, I was a little doubtful about the words of “Knowledge can change one’s fate.” I wondered whether the knowledge I’d learned could really bring me a guarantee for my future.

Continuing My Education in the U.S. and Resisting the True Way

In 2004, I graduated as expected, and meanwhile obtained an opportunity of further study in the U.S. with a full scholarship. At that time, I, who had suspected the words of “Knowledge can change one’s fate,” seemed to see the dawn. Back then, America had been hit hard by the 911 terrorist attack and launched a clampdown on all types of visas. I didn’t know if I could be granted the visa successfully. I submitted my visa application with an attitude of trying. Beyond my expectation, it was approved smoothly. When I first arrived in America, I spent most of my time in studying, for I thought only knowledge could provide a solid foundation for me to gain a foothold in this country. In the following days, to receive a doctorate became one of my main objectives in my life.

In 2007, my mother accepted the work of Almighty God, the returned Lord Jesus. Then she preached the gospel to me, saying: “The Lord Jesus has returned to flesh and done a stage of new work….” Years of higher education made it hard for me to listen patiently to the opinion of one who was much less educated than me. Owing to my chasing and admiring knowledge, in the days that followed, when my mother preached the gospel to me again, I maintained an attitude of refusal. In this way, I shut out God’s work during the last days several times.
Overcome with Loneliness While Climbing the Peak

In 2013, I fulfilled my wish of obtaining a Ph.D. However, during half the year when I was preparing for the doctoral qualifying examination, I was tormented with unspeakable suffering, and my mental nervousness and stress went beyond description. Almost all the books in the library related to the subject of my dissertation had been borrowed and looked through by me. Because I had no time to cook, I ate instant noodles every day. I slept only on the ground, for I was afraid to oversleep due to the comfort of sleeping on the bed. I kept reading every day like the walking dead. Sometimes when I suddenly thought of a question I couldn’t answer, I’d feel quite alarmed and not sleep until I found out the answer, fearing deeply to miss anything that might appear in the exam paper. One morning, I looked into the mirror, and noticed my face was sallow and bloodless and that my eyes were unfocused. I couldn’t help but be struck with sadness. My best years had been buried in knowledge, and in the end I was left looking like this. I indeed felt distressed and tired. However, I’d gotten all the way to this point; if I gave up, all my previous efforts would come to naught. In helplessness, I had no option but to bite the bullet and continue on … In the eyes of other people, probably I was successful, for I not only came to America but succeeded academically. All of this seemed to be so perfect. But I often felt empty and lonely inside. I didn’t know where my next stop would be and what on earth I should pursue.

The Hard Time After Bearing My Child

In the same year, I got married to my husband. It was not long before I became pregnant. Because my husband worshiped knowledge as I did, he had borrowed varieties of books and disks from the library ever since, which explained the advantages of breast-feeding from different angles and how a new mother could produce milk more quickly and better. I thought we were in full preparation for our child’s arrival.

But then, something unexpected happened: I had no milk after my child was born. In desperation, my husband and I asked for help from the lactation counseling in the hospital, where I was advised to use the breast pump machine to produce milk every three hours day and night, with twenty minutes at a time. Then, I did what the doctor told me. My milk, however, became less and less, and it disappeared completely half a month later. I knew from the books that it was a normal process, and that if I persisted in using the machine, my milk would increase. So I could only continue to do it. Each time I put up with the pain of the caesarean and sat up in bed to do as directed in the middle of the night, there was always a feeling of inexpressible bitterness spreading in me. Why did I still have no milk after following the doctor’s instructions with care? Was scientific knowledge not worthy of trust? Later, I tried every means, food and medicine in the books without exception that were beneficial to producing milk. However, I just had one disappointment after another. Meanwhile, the relationship between my husband and I was frozen. He complained about me a lot. There was nothing left within me but helplessness and extreme grievance.

Seeing my distress, my mother held my hand and said: “You’ve always considered that knowledge can solve any problems. You think you can control everything with your little knowledge, which is totally unrealistic. If man has no idea of knowing God and is unwilling to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, he will be the only one who suffers in the end.” Hearing her words, I thought of how I had strictly followed the instructions in the books since I got pregnant but to no avail. At that time, I truly realized knowledge could not decide everything. Having gone through this thing, I somewhat had a change of heart. I was determined to be humble and investigate Almighty God’s words sincerely.

Returning Before God and Seeing the Dawn

read God's wordAfter a period of investigation, I was sure that Almighty God is the Lord Jesus’ return in 2016. God has become flesh and done a stage of work of judgment and chastisement during the last days. There has been no work of the Holy Spirit in the churches of the Age of Grace long ago. From then on, I returned to the house of Almighty God, actively took part in the meetings and read God’s words. I saw God’s word: “You may put it simply that a field of knowledge is nothing more than knowledge. That is a field of knowledge that is learned on the basis of atheism and lack of understanding that God created all things. When people study this type of knowledge, they do not see God as having dominion over all things, they do not see God as being in charge of or managing all things. Instead, all they do is endlessly research, explore, and seek out scientific answers in that area of knowledge. However, if people do not believe in God and instead only pursue research, they will never find the true answers, right? Knowledge only gives you a livelihood, it only provides a job, it only provides income so that you don’t go hungry, but it will never help you know God, it will never help you believe in Him, obey Him, and knowledge will never keep you far from evil. The more you study knowledge, the more you will desire to rebel against God, to research God, to tempt God, and to go against God” (“God Himself, the Unique V” in Continuation of The Word Appears in the Flesh). “From when man first had social sciences, the mind of man was occupied by science and knowledge. Then science and knowledge became tools for the ruling of mankind, and there was no longer sufficient room for man to worship God, and no more favorable conditions for the worship of God. The position of God sunk ever lower in the heart of man” (“God Presides Over the Fate of All Mankind” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Pondering what was exposed in God’s words and reflecting back on the road I had taken, I truly felt that knowledge may give man a livelihood or a good job, but it can never solve the emptiness in man’s heart or determine his fate. Rather, it only makes man arrogant, stray from God and disobey God. Thinking back to those times of my mother preaching the gospel to me, it was precisely because I was highly educated while she was uncultured that I was reluctant to bow my head and listen to her views, and thus rejected God’s new work time after time. Yet it proved that Almighty God, in whom my mother believed, is indeed the Lord Jesus’ second coming, the one true God. As for feeding my child, since I became pregnant I had depended on scientific knowledge. When I didn’t have milk for breast-feeding, I still tried to seek a way out from those doctors well versed in medical knowledge. Nevertheless, knowledge didn’t solve my problem in the end despite me suffering a lot. And then, looking back to all these years, though I had received my Ph.D., which could be said to be an achievement in the field of knowledge, I often felt empty and couldn’t find the direction of life as my heart rebelled against and was far away from God. It can be seen from this that knowledge can become a tool for Satan to corrupt man and tempt man into pushing God away if man cannot regard knowledge correctly. Just like many scientists in the world. They have profound knowledge but they eventually die in emptiness because they don’t believe in God.

Through reading God’s words, I had a correct understanding and orientation of knowledge. I didn’t worship knowledge blindly any more but viewed all things by God’s words. Because I read God’s words every day, I understood more and more truths and my relationship with God became more and more normal. In my daily life, I learned to rely on God and on longer depended on knowledge. Under the guidance of God, I felt very assured and also saw God’s deeds. Once, I was cooking lunch in the kitchen while my son was playing in the backyard alone. Suddenly, the west German shepherd of my neighbor ran out of his house into our backyard, barking fiercely toward my son, who was playing by himself attentively. I rushed out and swept him into my arms, only to find he was already frozen with fright. It was not until I took him into the house that he came to his senses. Then he cried loudly. In the following three days, my son was spiritless all day and cried frequently. He wouldn’t like to be put on the ground and was exceedingly afraid of going out. Seeing my son cry all day with tears on his face, I felt painful and tormented inside. Just when I was at a loss, I thought of the word of Almighty God: “You should know that all things in the environment around you are there by My permission, I arrange it all. See clearly and satisfy My heart in the environment I have given to you” (“The Twenty-sixth Utterance” of Utterances and Testimonies of Christ in the Beginning in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Then I came to God and prayed: “Oh Almighty God! In the past, I believed only scientific knowledge could save man. If my son was frightened before, I would immediately refer to the relevant materials about his condition on the net or take him to see a doctor. But now I am sure all is in Your hand. I’m willing to give my son into Your hand and let You arrange it for me. If he is indeed sick and needs treatment, then I’ll take him to see a doctor.” After the prayer, my heart slowly became calm. When he cried again, I picked up my mobile phone and played the MV of the Church of Almighty God, God Has Brought His Glory to the East. A miracle happened. My son stopped crying and started to listen to the hymn absorbedly. Seeing my son slowly improved, I gasped in admiration in my heart: “Oh Almighty God! You are truly the God who dominates all things! A crying child can be made quiet before You in a second.” Later, as long as my son began to cry, I’d play the hymns of God’s word to him. No matter how hard he cried, he would gradually stop his tears while listening to the hymns. From this, I saw God’s wondrous deeds. The authority and power of God’s word could not be replaced by any doctor steeped in scientific knowledge. Seeing my son getting better, I was full of reverence and gratitude to God, and had a hope inside: When my son is old enough to understand things, I’ll bring him before God, and guide him to treat knowledge properly. I cannot let him blindly worship knowledge and be harmed severely by it, and finally become a person who resists God.

Now, it has been over a year since I accepted the work of Almighty God. I deeply feel only God can save man and that only God’s word is the beacon for man. Just as God’s word says: “Whether the words spoken by God are, in outward appearance, plain or abstruse, they are all truths indispensable to man as he enters into life; they are the fount of living waters that enables him to survive in both spirit and flesh. They provide what man needs to stay alive; the dogma and creed for conducting his daily life; the path, goal, and direction through which he must pass in order to receive salvation; every truth that he should possess as a created being before God; and every truth about how man obeys and worships God. They are the guarantee that ensures man’s survival, they are man’s daily bread, and they are also the sturdy support that enables man to be strong and stand up. They are rich in the reality of the truth of normal humanity as it is lived out by created mankind, rich in the truth by which mankind breaks free from corruption and eludes Satan’s snares, rich in the tireless teaching, exhortation, encouragement, and solace that the Creator gives to created humanity. They are the beacon that guides and enlightens men to understand all that is positive, the guarantee which ensures that men will live out and come into possession of all that is righteous and good, the criterion by which people, events, and objects are all measured, and also the navigation marker that leads men toward salvation and the path of light” (Preface to Continuation of The Word Appears in the Flesh).

My Painful Experience of Struggling Against Fate
Walking the Bright Path of Human Life

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