By Yang Laidi I’m Yang Laidi, sixty-two years old this year. In 1985, because my husband had health problems, our […]
The Sorrow in My Heart Is Finally Removed
Wenjie found love after entering the university. The experience of her and Yuanming’s meeting, falling in love, and understanding each other made her believe that love was the hope of happiness. Yuanming was a tall and brilliant young man, and he was kind and thoughtful to her, and cared for her. Such kind of romance and warm affection completely matched Wenjie’s dream for love. She placed her hope of happiness of her life in him. However, good times didn’t last long. In their second year of college, Yuanming was diagnosed with liver failure. This news brought great trouble to the lovers’ romantic and ardent affection. But Wenjie knew that she could never leave Yuanming all life long. So she prepared for the worst—no matter how worse his condition would be, she would live with it and accompany him all the time.
After graduation, Yuanming’s condition worsened to a point that he could not work. Wenjie had to both take care of him and pay his high medical expenses. She did two jobs on the side. Yuanming often said that he felt indebted to her, but she always smiled and comforted him, “Don’t think too much. You only need to take care of yourself and nurse your illness.” Although she tried her best to maintain their love, the cat was finally out of the bag. Yuanming’s condition, which she had hidden from her parents for several years, was known by them somehow. This news was like a bomb dropping into her peaceful family. Her parents and her sisters and relatives tried their best to persuade her to break up with him. But she simply could not bear to do that and withstood the pressure from her family alone. This continued until one day when she came back home. After a long separation, her mother looked much older, and her grey hair stung her to the heart. In the evening, her mother begged her earnestly, saying that she had been worrying about her future and that she could not suffer to see her daughter give her life to a man in the grip of disease. Her tears almost ran dry. Wenjie threw herself into her mother’s arms and gave her a reluctant promise that she would break up with Yuanming when he got better.
Next, Wenjie searched around for a cure for Yuanming, and took good care of him. He really got better day by day. After he recovered and could work, he knew the promise Wenjie had made with her mother. So he relinquished her hand of his own accord. At that moment, she felt a tearing pain in her heart. …
After they parted, Wenjie would sometimes call Yuanming, and ask whether he was fine. When she knew he was all right, she felt relieved. Several years later, she was in her thirties. Many people came to her home to introduce her to a potential partner, but her heart was tightly closed, because there was always a place for Yuanming in her heart. In the end, after her aging and ailing mother pled pitifully, she had no other choice but to get married to a man who was honest and worked at another place. After marriage, she didn’t have any contact with Yuanming anymore. Her days were as insipid as plain water, and her heart was without a ripple like her plain days. Afterward, she heard that he was successful in his career and got promoted again and again. She was secretly very pleased.
Several years passed. One day, Wenjie received a phone call from Yuanming’s friend. On the phone, she was told that he was at death’s door. Without delaying an instant, she went to the hospital, and saw him lying in the bed with a faint breath. Their meeting this time turned out to be a forever farewell.
At the funeral, the photo of Yuanming was hung there, the one she liked best, which was taken when he was in the university. At that time, her lover was in the bloom of youth. But now, his smile and voice were gone, there was only his portrait and the sad music which made people cry. Had it not been for her friend’s help, she would have collapsed on the floor. The talk of people around there reached her ears, “What a pity! He’s still young. I’ve heard that he didn’t find a girlfriend after his failure in love. He buried himself in his work and was busy with business intercourse every day until his health was totally ruined….” Hearing this, Wenjie almost sobbed her heart out. After she was back home, her parents and sisters all came to see her. Glaring at them, she was full of resentment: If you hadn’t split us up, if I had been taking care of him, he wouldn’t have died!
From that time on, Wenjie felt as if a stone were put on her heart. Though she led her life as usual, yet at the sudden thought of Yuanming, her smile would freeze. She had no true happiness anymore. She felt that it was because she let go of him that he lost hope of finding love and could only work like mad to numb his emotional pain, so that he died early from the effects of his fatigue. She felt that she owed him a life. This remorse tortured her for many nights without sleep. She always wondered how to pass her guilt to him who was in the other world. Her husband wasn’t often at home, but he still could sense that she was different from before. Their relationship was increasingly cool, and she didn’t have any hope for their marriage.
When her life was dark and gloomy, a friend preached God’sof salvation in the last days to her. flowed into her frozen heart like a warm current.
One day, she saw a passage of God’s words: “If one’s birth was destined by one’s previous life, then one’s death marks the end of that destiny. If one’s birth is the beginning of one’s mission in this life, then one’s death marks the end of that mission. Since thehas determined a fixed set of circumstances for a person’s birth, it goes without saying that He has also arranged a fixed set of circumstances for one’s death. In other words, no one is born by chance, no one’s death is unexpected, and both birth and death are necessarily connected with one’s previous and present lives. The circumstances of one’s birth and death are both predetermined by the Creator; this is a person’s destiny, a person’s fate. Just as much can be said about one’s birth, every person’s death will occur under a different set of special circumstances, hence people’s varying lifespans and the different manners and times of their deaths. Some people are strong and hale and yet die early; others are weak and sickly yet live to an old age, and pass away peacefully. Some perish of unnatural causes, others of natural ones. Some end their lives far from home, others shut their eyes with their loved ones by their side. Some people die in midair, others beneath the earth. Some sink beneath the water, others are lost in disasters. Some die in the morning, others at night. … Everyone wants an illustrious birth, a brilliant life, and a glorious death, but no one can overstep their own destiny, no one can escape the Creator’s sovereignty. This is human fate. Man can make all kinds of plans for his future, but no one can plan the manner and time of their birth and of their departure from the world. Though people do their best to avoid and resist the coming of death, yet still, unbeknownst to them, death silently draws near. No one knows when they will perish or how they will do so, much less where it will happen. Obviously, it is not humanity that holds the power of life and death, not some being in the natural world, but the Creator, whose authority is unique. Mankind’s life and death are not the product of some law of the natural world, but a consequence of the sovereignty of the Creator’s authority” (“God Himself, the Unique III”).
Reading this passage of words again and again, Wenjie could not help shedding tears, and her heart was relieved. She realized that every creature has his own destiny, which is controlled by God, the One who created the heavens and earth and all things, and provides for and has sovereignty over all creation. God makes a suitable arrangement for everyone’s previous and present lives, and none of us can escape His sovereignty. That Yuanming died at a young age was not because she let go of him at that time, but because it was his own destiny, which had already been arranged by God. He had already completed his mission in this life, and even though she had stayed at his side all the time, she could not save his life. At that time, Wenjie gave a deep sigh of relief. The stone on her heart was removed, and she felt the long-lost ease.
On the other hand, Wenjie came to appreciate the love and good intention in God’s arrangement for their fates. Yuanming’s life was destined to end in his middle age, which could never be changed, and if they had been together, the situation today would be more unbearable for her. The pain of losing husband after years of company might not be easy to bear for a woman, especially for someone like her who was so sentimental and fragile. If they had been married, the rest of her life would have been ruined. She would have lived with the memory of Yuanming until she dies. Now from God’s words, she understood the fact that God is in control of human fate, and so the remorse in her heart was alleviated. And she was also clearly aware: Her present husband is arranged by God. Although he is not good at talking, and their life lacks some romance, he can accompany her through her life. Even though her lover departed, she still has a home for her to rest, and this avoids more damage and blow to her sentimental and fragile heart. But previously, because of her not knowing God’s sovereignty and predestination, she had kept living in complaint. … Thinking of that, Wenjie lost control and her tears fell like rain. She saw that only God loves man most and knows man’s need best. The life God has arranged for us is worth experiencing and tasting with our heart. For this arrangement contains His care and concern for us, which is so deep and vast, and everlasting.
Now, Wenjie has a stable life. As a believer in God, reading God’s words, attending meetings and living the church life have become the main melody of her life. Testifying about God’s marvelous salvation for her is even more her duty that she will continue to perform. The relationship between her husband and her has also become harmonious, and there are more laughter and chatter in her family. Sometimes, Wenjie will think of Yuanming, but she does not grieve anymore, for she takes that experience as an unusual part of her life orchestrated by God. Although she has gone through many things, yet only after she received God’s salvation and came before Him did she finally realize: It is God who put her life course straight, so that she has known from her own experience that what love and happiness is, and that living before God and obeying His orchestration is the only way to gain a peaceful life. Only worshiping the Creator and performing my duty to repay can make my life meaningful and worthwhile.