A disease made my marriage go in another way. In God’s words, I understand why I couldn’t control my marriage and I no longer hold the point of view “I’ll determine my marriage.”
I Finally Let Go of My Daughter’s Marriage
My husband’s family was poor. After I married him, I suffered much because of poverty. While my family was the poorest, my friends and relatives and even my elder sister all looked down upon me. I felt that I was worthless for having no money, so I thought in my heart: This is all there is to my life. I surely will help my daughter find a rich and decent husband when she grows up. I can’t let her live a poor life in the future, much less let her suffer such humiliation like me.
As time passed by, my daughter reached the marriage age. Knowing that she found a boyfriend herself, I asked her eagerly, “What does the boy do? How is his family condition? Does he have money or houses?” My daughter said to me, “He works in a public institution. His family condition is better than ours. And he treats me well.” Hearing her words, I was very happy, thinking: My daughter has good taste. Now, I can feel proud and elated and also can hold myself upright in front of my relatives in the future. I’ll see who still looks down on me! At this thought, I was eager to ask my daughter to bring the boy home to let me have a look. Soon, she took the boy home. To my disappointment, through contact with him, I found that his family condition was not so good as what my daughter said. “Did my daughter cheat me?” I wondered. After the boy left, I asked my daughter again and again. Finally, she told me that the boy had no job and his parents were disabled and their lives could not be assured. After knowing the fact, I was simply mad with anger. I said to her angrily, “Now, the girls all look for a husband whose family is rich. Who else will find such a poor boyfriend like you? As the saying goes, ‘Everything went wrong for poor couple.’ Do you still want to live a poor life? Have you forgotten the days when we were poor and looked down upon by others?” Seeing that I lost my temper, my daughter didn’t explain anything but said one word simply, “Mom, he treats me well.” Her words let me down. I thought: What’s good about him? His family is so poor. How can he treat you well? Why do you not understand my painstaking care? I’m doing this for your good. Thinking of this, I did my best to convince my daughter, asking her to part with the boy. Though I talked myself hoarse, she still didn’t listen.
Seeing that my daughter didn’t listen to me, I had no way but to show my attitude to the boy and ask him to leave my daughter on his own initiative, but he completely did not listen to me and dated with my daughter as always. What’s more, after my daughter knew that, she grew further and further apart from me and even didn’t come home for more than one month. Even if she came back, she didn’t want to talk with me. We suddenly became like strangers. I felt heart-broken: I do this all for her good, but she just doesn’t understand my kind intention and even treats me in this way. I had nowhere to pour out the bitterness in my heart and shed countless tears secretly. Even so, I still firmly objected to my daughter being with the boy, thinking: No matter what, I can’t agree to their love relationship. I am doing this all for my daughter’s happiness in the future. She cannot understand my kind intention now, but she will understand one day. My daughter was stubborn, so I didn’t dare to force her to part with the boy for fear that she would run away from home and never come back. I could only try various devices to persuade her.
One day, my daughter came home. I suppressed my anger and said to her, “At that time, because our family was poor, our relatives discriminated against us and even your aunt looked down upon us. Have you forgotten all about these? Now, if you find a poor husband, we will be unable to raise our heads and you will be looked down upon by the relatives and friends in the future. You don’t feel upset? What’s more, money is needed for everything in present-day society. Without money, how can you live? Can you still live happily? It’s not that you don’t know about our days of poverty, my sufferings, and tears. How can you be so stupid to find such a poor boyfriend? Do you still want to live a hand-to-mouth life? How do you not understand my heart?” Even if I earnestly persuaded, my daughter was still unwilling to break up with the boy. Seeing this, I felt extremely painful. As soon as I thought that my daughter would live a poor life and suffer like me, I felt painful as if a knife were being twisted in my heart. I wept countless times for this.
One day of 2013, the neighbor who lived upstairs preached to me God’s kingdom. A period of time later, I gradually felt better through reading and leading the church life with my brothers and sisters. But I still couldn’t put down the matter that my daughter found so poor a boyfriend. Until one day, I saw that God’s word says, “Something is revealed through the human disposition of the people in this world…. How is this interpreted? It’s the worship of money. Is it hard to get this out of someone’s heart? It is very hard! It seems that Satan’s corruption of man is thorough indeed! Can we say that? (Yes.) So after Satan uses this trend to corrupt people, how is it manifested in them? Don’t you feel that you couldn’t survive one day in this world without any money, that even one day would just be impossible? (Yes.) People’s status is based on how much money they have as is their respectability. The backs of the poor are bent in shame, while the rich enjoy their high status. They stand tall and proud, speaking loudly and living arrogantly.”
Seeing God’s word, I pondered: Isn’t God’s word referring to me? Thinking back to the past: I married a poor man, so I was discriminated against by others. My back was bent in shame no matter where I went. And even my elder sister and husband’s family all looked down upon me. Such pain was really unforgettable. Since then, I have been governed by the viewpoints such as “Whoever gives me money is my father; and whoever feeds me is my mother,” and “Money isn’t everything, but without it, you can do nothing,” and begun to worship money. I think that people need to have money because the rich can be looked up upon by others, stand tall, and feel proud and elated. Especially in present-day society, everyone puts money above all. If you have money, you will be fawned over by others and gain happiness. If not, you will be looked down upon. So, when my daughter found a boyfriend, I imposed my thoughts onto her, hoping that she could find a rich husband, so that she could live a happy life and we could stand tall and proud and no longer be looked down upon by others. Unexpectedly, she found a poor boyfriend whose family condition was against my requirements. So, I did my utmost to hinder them from being together. I failed to separate them but made my relationship with my daughter further and further. We became like strangers. We all lived in pain and felt tortured.
Now I just knew: Worshiping money is a social trend that Satan raises to corrupt us and is not a positive thing. When I unconsciously accept this social trend, I only focus on the interest, measure everything with money, and even think that whether my daughter’s marriage is happy or not is also determined by money. However, can we really be happy when having money? Many girls around me married rich men, but their marriage is unhappy. They have money, live a luxurious life, and are looked up upon and admired by others, but their husbands indulge in eating, drinking, and merry-making and keep mistresses outside. It is a common occurrence that these couples always argue with each other. They still feel painful and helpless…. Money can bring us rich material life, but cannot bring us peace, joy, and true happiness in spirit. Now, I just understand that it is not because I don’t have money that I suffered a lot for my poverty over these years and my daughter’s marriage, but because I worship money and cannot get it all along. In fact, how much money I have in all my life is predestined by God. I should obey God’s sovereignty and arrangement and live contently with clothing and food. After understanding this, I felt much released in my heart.
Later, I also saw that God’s word says, “But when it comes time for people to raise the next generation, they will project all their unrealized desires in the first half of their lives onto their descendants, hoping that their offspring will make up for all the disappointments they experienced in the first half of their lives. So people indulge in all kinds of fantasies about their children: … People know that they are powerless and hopeless in this life, that they will not have another chance, another hope, to stand out from others, and that they have no choice but to accept their fates. And so they project all their hopes, their unrealized desires and ideals, onto the next generation, hoping that their offspring can help them achieve their dreams and realize their desires; that their daughters and sons will bring glory to the family name, become important, rich, or famous; in short, they want to see their children’s fortunes soar. People’s plans and fantasies are perfect; do they not know that the number of children they have, their children’s appearance, abilities, and so forth, are not for them to decide, that their children’s fates do not at all rest in their palms? Humans are not the masters of their own fate, yet they hope to change the fates of the younger generation; they are powerless to escape their own fates, yet they try to control those of their sons and daughters. Are they not overestimating themselves? Is this not human foolishness and ignorance?”
“Since the creation of the world I have begun to predestine and select this group of people, namely, you today. Your temperament, caliber, appearance, stature, family in which you were born, your job and your marriage, the entirety of you, even the color of your hair and your skin, and the time of your birth were all arranged by My hands. Even the things you do and the people you meet every single day are arranged by My hands, not to mention the fact that bringing you into My presence today is actually My arrangement. Do not throw yourself into disorder; you should proceed calmly.”
Through God’s word, I knew: Our fate is controlled in God’s hand. The family and marriage of everyone are arranged by God. Whether or not my daughter will marry the boy in the end and what kind of life she will live have long been predestined by God and have nothing to do with whether the boy is poor or rich. Whether my daughter will be happy or not in the future is also ruled over by God and cannot be changed by using my own method. No matter what fantasies we have about our own marriage, we cannot change God’s orchestration and arrangement of it. I cannot control my own destiny, much less control my daughter’s destiny. So, as a created being, I should accept and obey God’s sovereignty and arrangement, entrusting my daughter’s marriage to God. Only then can I free from suffering and ease the conflict between me and my daughter. After understanding this, I completely put down my daughter’s marriage. When I lived by God’s word, I felt released in my heart. I no longer felt painful and worried for my daughter’s marriage and hindered her from dating with the boy.
A period of time later, my daughter became willing to come home and our relations also became closer. One day, my daughter suddenly said to me, “Mom, I parted with my boyfriend for argument.” Hearing her words, I realized more clearly: My daughter’s marriage is in God’s hand. Whether she will marry the boy in the end has already been ruled over and arranged by God. If her marriage is predestined by God, then no one can destroy it. If not, it can’t stand even if I agree and make a match for her. Before, I didn’t know God’s sovereignty and always wanted to interfere in my daughter’s marriage by relying on my own ability, thus bringing sufferings for myself. But when I believed in and obeyed God’s sovereignty and didn’t rely on my ability to change my daughter, I lived a relaxed and happy life. Experiencing this, I learn to let go. I no longer rely on myself to “check on” my daughter’s boyfriend. I am willing to entrust her marriage to God and obey God’s orchestration and arrangement, for I know that what God has prepared for her is the best.
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