By Yang Laidi I’m Yang Laidi, sixty-two years old this year. In 1985, because my husband had health problems, our […]
I Am Unfit to See Christ
Huanbao Dalian City, Liaoning Province
Since I first began believing in , I have always admired those brothers and sisters who can receive the personal ministry of Christ, who can hear His sermons with their own ears. In my heart, I have thought how wonderful it would be if one day in the future I can hear Christ’s sermons, of course to see Him would be even more wonderful. But lately, through listening to His fellowship, I have come to feel deeply in my heart that I am not fit to see Christ.
It was when Fellowship and Preaching About Life Entry Volumes 1-3 were issued. When I heard the first, I felt the man used by the spoke very well. When I heard one sister’s fellowship on the second (this was before anyone had told me these were the fellowship of Christ), I imagined this sister was simply a leader under the man used by the Holy Spirit, and especially when She fellowshiped about the problem of how to view knowledge, I didn’t hear the enthusiastic reaction of my brothers and sisters, so I was certain my guess was correct, and because I felt this sister didn’t speak as well as the man used by the Holy Spirit, I wasn’t listening carefully. After hearing the third volume, after the fellowship by the man used by the Holy Spirit, I heard that same sister say, “About the brother’s fellowship just now…,” and I was even more certain that this sister was a leader under the man used by the Holy Spirit, because in our world, leaders always speak first, and their subordinates speak afterward. So I shut the speaker off, thinking, “I’ll listen to this later when I have time.” On the day I learned that sister was actually Christ I was shocked, and finally listened seriously to every word of the sermon.
After that, I began to reflect: Why did I yearn so to hear the fellowship of Christ myself, yet when He finally spoke to us, I couldn’t discern it? I began to eat and drink the words of God pertaining to my situation, and saw that God said, “All men wish to see the true countenance of and desire to be with Him. I believe that not one of the brothers or sisters would say that he is unwilling to see or to be with Jesus. Before you have seen Jesus, that is, before you have seen the incarnate God, you will have many thoughts, for example, about Jesus’ appearance, His way of speaking, His way of life, and so on. However, when you really see Him, your thoughts will swiftly change. Why is this? Do you wish to know? While man’s thinking indeed cannot be overlooked, it is much more intolerable for man to alter the substance of Christ. You regard Christ as an immortal, a sage, but none regard Christ as a mortal with divine substance. Therefore, many of those who yearn day and night to see God are actually enemies of God and incompatible with God. Is this not a wrong on the part of man? Even now you still think that your belief and loyalty are such that you deserve to see the countenance of Christ, but I exhort you to equip yourselves with more tangible things! For in the past, present, and future, many of those who come in contact with Christ have failed and will fail; they all play the role of the Pharisees. What is the reason for your failure? It is precisely because in your notions there is a lofty, admirable God. But the truth is not as man wishes. Not only is Christ not lofty, but He is particularly small; not only is He a man but an ordinary man…. And so people treat Him as an ordinary man; they do as they please when they are with Him…. You regard the Christ that has already come as an ordinary man and His word as that of an ordinary man. Therefore, you have not received anything from Christ and have instead completely exposed your ugliness to the light” (“Those Incompatible With Christ Are Surely Opponents of God” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Compared to , and then I thought of how my own corrupt disposition manifested when I finally heard Christ’s fellowship. I desired to hear Christ’s sermons and fellowship with my own ears, yet when I finally heard the fellowship of Christ I didn’t care. I saw Christ as just an ordinary mortal. This was because I didn’t understand the essence of Christ, didn’t understand all that Christ keeps humble and hides, and had too many thoughts and notions about Christ. Christ’s fellowship, I imagined, must be limited to those brothers and sisters with immediate access to Him, with others not allowed to hear His fellowship with their own ears; Christ’s fellowship, I imagined, would be accompanied by Christ publicly announcing His identity; Christ’s fellowship, I imagined, must be spoken in a voice different from others and in many elegant turns of phrase, like some kind of extraordinary man; Christ’s fellowship, I imagined, would be accompanied by the excited, passionate cheers of my brothers and sisters; and if it was the man used by the Holy Spirit and Christ speaking in turn, that Christ would speak first, and the man used by the Holy Spirit would speak last…. I limited the work and words of Christ to the boundaries of my imagination, because I imagined Christ in a particular way. When the facts were at odds with how I imagined them, I treated Christ as an ordinary person and Christ’s words as those of an ordinary person, and while others gained much from the fellowship, I gained nothing, and instead completely exposed my own arrogant, conceited, truth-despising, satanic nature, and made myself one who rejects and resists Christ.
Later, I saw in : “You always wish to see Christ, but I exhort you not to exalt yourselves so; everyone may see Christ, but I say none are fit to see Christ. Because the nature of man is filled with evil, arrogance, and rebellion, when you see Christ, your nature will ruin you and condemn you to death” (“Those Incompatible With Christ Are Surely Opponents of God” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). “You are not devout in facing the truth, much less do you yearn for the truth. You merely study blindly and wait nonchalantly. What can you gain from studying and waiting like this? Can you receive the personal guidance of God? If you cannot discern the utterances of God, how are you qualified to witness the appearance of God? … Only those who can accept the truth can hear the voice of God, and only such people are qualified to witness the appearance of God” (“The Appearance of God Has Brought a New Age” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). God’s words made me understand that I couldn’t discern God’s voice because I was too arrogant, too rebellious, and too snobbish, too easily tempted to listen carefully and nod in agreement with those who have position and status, while I looked down upon those with no position and status, such that even if they spoke the truth I wouldn’t hear it. When I listened to fellowship I was not focused on the truth and didn’t desire to gain the truth, and instead devoted my mind to speculation and investigation. I revealed nothing but arrogance and rebelliousness, notions and imaginings. Someone as arrogant, rebellious, and unaccepting of the truth as me, someone with no piety or yearning before the truth as me, how could I possibly hear and know the voice of God? How was I fit to see Christ?
Through that revelation I finally understood that even though I wanted to see Christ, I was unfit to see Christ because Satan’s corruption of me is too deep, I am arrogant and rebellious by nature, I have no truth and no love of truth, I do not understand the essence of Christ, I judge with nonsensical biases, I have too many notions and thoughts, and the God I believe in is still a vague God, an image of a mighty and eloquent figure. And when I truly see Christ, my notions may take root and my arrogance may sprout at any moment, my own rebellious nature thereby ruining me. Now I must equip myself with the truth, seek to understand my corrupt nature and the essence of Christ in the words of God, and become someone who understands and worships Christ.