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How to Freely Forgive Partner After a Quarrel
By Gaibian, South Korea
The weather was gloomy and not a leaf moved on the trees. It seemed that there was a storm coming. The noise of quarrel came from a workshop. “Did you secretly tell on me to the boss?” “Why would I do that?” “Then how can the boss know that I made private phone calls in work time? Why don’t you tell on others? You are just bullying me.” “I really didn’t tell the boss.” “Don’t fool me! The boss has told me everything.” The more Huiying said, the angrier she became, and her voice rose higher and higher. Though Jinxiu tried to stop her, it was of no use. Huiying thought: All the hard and tiring work is mine. I’ve endured it silently. Jinxiu even told on me to the boss. That’s really too much! My patience is almost at an end. If Jinxiu continues to retort me, I will fight her to the end even if being fired. I will show her that I’m not a person to be trifled with. Seeing Huiying was so angry, Jinxiu didn’t dare to utter a word.
As the rain was pouring down, Huiying slowly walked home with an umbrella. At the thought of her quarrel with Jinxiu, she felt stuck and heaved a great sigh. Then her thoughts returned to the past.
Huiying and Jinxiu had worked together in a factory producing automobile spare parts for three years. Their job was to wrap the product with silver paper so as to keep the fibres from being laid bare, or the product couldn’t measure up. Huiying was an honest person and did not usually talk so much. Her colleague Jinxiu often asked her to do some hard and tiring work like packing, while she herself only did some small tasks like loading the cart and wheeling products into the warehouse. Over time, Huiying found that though Jinxiu did less work than herself, she got more pay and even called the tune in job. All these made Huiying become out of balance in her heart and feel that Jinxiu was bullying her.
Once Jinxiu wheeled some products before Huiying, saying, “Pack these products.” Hearing this Huiying felt a little resentful. Jinxiu continued, “You can’t go on with your work before finishing.” “Why don’t you pack these products yourself?” Huiying couldn’t stand anymore and said angrily, “How can you always push on the unpleasant jobs to me?” Jinxiu made an excuse, “There is plenty of space around you, so it’s easy for you to load the products on the cart.” Huiying retorted, “Don’t you have enough room around you to do that?” “No nonsense! Just do as I told you,” said Jinxiu in a commanding voice. At that time, Huiying should like to ditch the work and storm out, but at the thought that she worked to make money and was a believer in God, she chose to forbear.
Distracted by these memories, Huiying walked along with a sinking heart.
After that quarrel, the relationship between Huiying and Jinxiu fell apart at the seams and they seldom talked with each other. However, due to the need of the work, sometimes Huiying had to deal with Jinxiu. Every time she met Jinxiu, she would remember what Jinxiu had done, which made her feel anger. Whenever Huiying talked with Jinxiu, she was extremely bad in her heart and even felt loathing for her voice. She didn’t want to see Jinxiu at all. Since then work became a torment to Huiying and she even wanted to resign.
One day, Huiying read these words of God: “There’s another thought: ‘If you’re not kind, I won’t be just! I’ll treat you the same way you treat me. If you’re rude to me I’ll be rude to you as well! If you don’t treat me with dignity, why would I treat you with dignity?’ What kind of thought is this? Isn’t this also a thought of revenge? In the views of an ordinary person, isn’t this type of perspective viable, doesn’t it hold water? ‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.’ There’s another one: ‘A taste of your own medicine.’ Among non-believers, these are rationales that hold water, they can be above-board. This is the action of an honorable person. But now as someone who believes in God, as someone who seeks to understand the truth and seeks a change in disposition, would you say that these words are right or wrong? Are these perspectives right or wrong? (Wrong.) Why is that? Where do these things come from? They come from Satan. That is without doubt; there is no question. They come from what part of Satan? A malicious nature. This contains malice, it contains Satan’s malice and its ugly true face. It contains the essence of that nature; it contains the perspectives, thoughts, expressions, speech, and even actions of the essence of that nature. What is the character of these things? Aren’t they of Satan? They are. Are these parts of Satan in line with humanity? Are they in line with the truth, or the reality of the truth? (No.) Are they the actions, the thoughts, and perspectives that followers of God should have? (No.) Then when you do things or think about things that way, or you express those things, do those actions, thoughts, and expressions of yours conform to God’s will? Since these things come from Satan, are they in line with humanity, with conscience and reason? (They’re not.) Now people understand that they’re not in line with these things, but before understanding this, did you believe that these actions and thoughts were presentable? And what else did you believe? You thought: ‘I’ll get revenge, I’ll show you, and I’ll say these things—I’ll do it out in the open. I’m fair, I’m an honorable person. I’m open and above-board. I hate you, I’ll get my revenge. I’ll tell you a thing or two! I’ll say it in the open. I’ll get you, and I’ll do it in the open. I won’t be a despicable, sneaky person—I’m honorable and my actions are upright!’ Wasn’t this what you thought? People’s hearts are full of and occupied with these things, these rationales. They guide people’s thoughts, behaviors, and actions as well as their various states and perspectives. So are they able to understand the truth? On the contrary, don’t people put into practice and uphold these things they believe to be presentable and correct as if they were the truth? (Yes.) So now have you found the source of it? Why can’t people achieve a genuine change in disposition? Why can’t they truly resolve their own difficulties? Continue on this path unearthing these things, and see which things that you believe to be tenable, common principles, and in line with the ways of the world, and see what things you believe are above-board, upright and honorable—see which of all of these excuses, actions, perspectives, and logical thoughts you have allowed into your heart and treated as the truth without believing that they are part of a corrupt disposition. You dig through all of this. Isn’t there more? (There is.)” (“Only Resolving Your Corrupt Disposition Can Free You From a Negative State”).
“Normal humanity includes these aspects: insight, sense, conscience, and character. If you can achieve normality in each of these respects, your humanity is up to standard. You should have the likeness of a normal human being and behave like a believer in God. You don’t have to achieve great heights or engage in diplomacy. You just have to be a normal human being, with a normal person’s sense, be able to see through things, and at least look like a normal human being. That will be enough. … A lot of people see that the age has changed, so they don’t exercise any humility or patience, and they might as well not have any love or saintly decency either. These people are too absurd! Do they have an ounce of normal humanity? Do they have any testimony to speak of? They don’t have any insight and sense whatsoever” (“Improving Caliber Is for Receiving God’s”).
Ponderingcarefully and recalling what happened between herself and Jinxiu, Huiying suddenly felt ashamed and disgraced. She realized that she had no tolerance, forbearance and patience at all while associating with Jinxiu. She thought: Because Jinxiu always asked me to do the hard and tiring work, I had resentment toward her. When I saw she did less work but got more money, I became even more out of balance in my heart. Finally, the fact that she actually told on me to the boss stirred up my anger, so I quarreled with her. I mistakenly thought that what I did was reasonable because it was all her fault and I just wanted to protect myself from being bullied. Through reading God’s word, I finally know that I didn’t live out the likeness of a at all but acted like an unbeliever. I had been living by satanic poison “Nice guys finish last,” so once others sinned against me I would hold a grudge and even make enemies of them. This kind of behavior can’t even make others approve and convinced, let alone glorify God and bear witness to God. The more she thought, the more reproached she felt, and she even felt unworthy of coming before God.
Huiying saw a passage in Sermons and Fellowship on Entry Into Life, “After being transformed in disposition, he can be kindhearted and be fair to anyone; especially, he can be gracious to those who are comparatively good. First, he will not cheat you; second, he will not trap you; third, he will not mean to harm you. You can rest assured about these forever. Besides, even if you hurt him in some things, he will forgive you and not remember your faults, can forbear with you, tolerate you, and endure you, and can still treat you with love. If you meet such a person, won’t you be much safer? He who has been transformed in disposition is kindhearted, and he has love for anyone and can help him. Even if you hurt him or do something unfair to him, he can tolerate and endure and forgive you. Such a person has normal humanity and has the likeness of a real man. … He who is kindhearted has no malice in his heart. You may owe him, yet he does not reckon with you; he feels he absolutely cannot owe you, so he will not owe you. Besides, you may offend him, yet he does not want to offend you, much less to harm you. Isn’t this being kindhearted? If someone has done a thing unbeneficial to him, he can put himself in his position, can forgive him, and can sympathize with and understand him. This is also a manifestation of being kindhearted. Some people did much evil in the past and now they believe in God and can pursue the truth; they can forgive others all the more and can treat them rightly and fairly. Such people are kindhearted ones. A kindhearted person has forbearance, mercy, forgiveness, endurance, and even more love and sympathy for others in his heart. So, people all like to contact such people and all want to make friends with such people.”
Reflecting on these words, Huiying saw that she fell far short of the standard of a normal human nature. She thought: I was so narrow-minded toward people that when others hurt me, I would bear a grudge against them. I have not lived out the image of normal human. In fact, both Jinxiu and I are corrupted by Satan and are selfish by nature. It is because she was dominated and controlled by Satan’s nature that she always tried to skate through and even hurt me in quest of her own personal benefit. All of this was the consequence of Satan’s corruption of her. Since I really made private phone calls during work hours and violated the factory rules, what Jinxiu reported to the boss wasn’t out of nothing. I shouldn’t blame her, much less quarrel with her. Rather, I should understand and forgive her. Even though I had done more, I shouldn’t fuss over it, for only when I complete my work dutifully can I get the pay with a clear conscience. At that time, Huiying realized that only God’s word can make her cast off the corrupt disposition and live like a real man, and that only when she acts according to God’s word, can she free herself from Satan’s fooling and affliction and stay in harmony with others. Huiying thought: How good it would be if men could live by God’s word. Then men could understand and forbear each other, and there would be no struggle between them. Huiying made a resolution that she will read God’s word more and understand more truth, live in God’s presence practicing and experiencing God’s word, and pursue living like a real man.
Next day, when Huiying saw Jinxiu in the factory, she didn’t feel hate for her but smiled at her. Jinxiu smiled back. Moreover, Huiying no longer fussed over little things on the job. Some days later, when Jinxiu asked Huiying to do some hard work, Huiying thought: Since I am a believer in God and this work is what I should do, I should have tolerance toward her and understand her instead of finding fault with her. At this thought, Huiying accepted the work without saying any words. Jinxiu was surprised and asked, “Why do you change your attitude?” Huiying gave her a smile and continued to work. Seeing Huiying’s change, Jinxiu felt sorry for what she had done and apologized to Huiying, “I am sorry that I spoke to you in a harsh tone. If what I did hurt you, I beg your pardon.” Huiying said, “Actually, some things that I did are not quite correct either. I shouldn’t blow up at you. Please forgive me.” Since then, Huiying and Jinxiu were reconciled to each other, and they worked together in harmony.
Through this experience, Huiying comes to know that if we live by Satan’s poisons, our hearts will be filled with temper and corruption so that we will lead a painful life. But if we live by God’s word, we will have an open mind and feel happy; once we acknowledge our own corruption according to God’s word, it will be easier for us to understand and forbear others. Huiying thanks God for saving her, leading and guiding her with His words, and allowing her to behave herself like a real man does.
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