How to Solve the Marital Conflicts

By Wang Ran, Singapore

“Holding one’s hand and accompanying him until old age” is a famous verse. It describes people’s ideal of what a marriage should be: accompanying each other for a lifetime and never forsaking each other. I had always thought married couples should act like this. So in daily life, when I heard friends around me talk about who had divorced whom, I often asked in great surprise: “Why? They seemed to get along well before. Why did they divorce suddenly?” At such times, they would answer, showing not the slightest surprise at this thing, “Because of the clash of personalities! Such things are too common.” After hearing this, I thought to myself: It is true indeed. The cases that people, be it friends around me or the currently popular stars, fail in their marriage like this have already been customary. But I still couldn’t understand: As a married couple, they are the closest to each other, but why can they not live in harmony, rather than ending up getting divorced?

married couple, get along well

Since I married my husband, I had been cherishing a beautiful hope that we could get along well and be mutually tolerant in our married life. I had great confidence in realizing this hope, for I considered myself a good-natured person. But reality was not as I hoped it would be. The conflicts in our life shattered my hope little by little.

At first, we could live together in peace and accommodate each other. But after some time had passed, all kinds of problems and conflicts started to arise. I love cleanliness. Every day I would mop the floor several times, and even if I saw a single strand on the floor, I would pick it up. Everything in my house must be put in order. For these reasons, every time when I was back home after being away for a few days, the first thing I would do was to check if the room was in a good state of cleanliness. If it wasn’t clean enough to meet my standard, I would run up to my husband and call him to account: “Why did you not clean the room? What have you done these days at home? You are so lazy!” Being unconvinced, he angrily said that I was obsessive about cleanliness and that the room was not dirty at all in his eyes. In this way, we didn’t give way to the other and each insisted that our own views were right, to the point where we both ignored each other. I felt so wronged because I thought he didn’t show consideration for me, and didn’t help me with the housework.

Sometimes when the food my husband cooked was not to my taste, I would make a few comments to him about it: You should add another spice to flavor the dish rather than this. … Hearing my chatter, he answered angrily: “Are you eating or not? If you’re not eating, forget it!” I felt grieved at his harsh and blunt words. I thought to myself: Being a husband, he should have been considerate and tolerant toward me. How could he treat me like this because of the few words I have just said? The more I thought about it, the more I couldn’t put up with what he said. And then I took sulks and refused to eat.

Since we had a child, there were more conflicts in our life. I liked to dress my daughter prettily, so I often bought her many beautiful clothes. But my husband said that it was so wasteful, and that it was fine as long as she had clothes to wear and there was no need to buy so many clothes. But I thought he was too stingy to spend money on her, so I refused to listen to him. This made him angry and thus he started to take no notice of me. We also held different opinions about educating children: I thought that in educating girls, we should neither be rough on them nor beat them, and even if they did something wrong, it was enough to give them words of warning. But he thought I will spoil our daughter by treating her this way. Once, he scolded her severely for her making a mistake and even struck her twice. On hearing her crying, I flew into a temper. I rushed at him and pushed him aside hard, and then took my daughter out.

In daily life, we often came into conflict for these trivial things. The most unacceptable thing for me was that each time after conflict, neither of us was willing to talk to each other or admit our own mistakes first, and it would go on for days. This made me feel so suppressed, yet I didn’t have a shoulder to cry on. In that period, I often thought: Husband and wife should be two people who can confide in each other, but why can we not act like that, rather than frequently being in the state of cold war, living in great pain and depression every day.

Just when I was distressed and confused, God’s gospel came upon us and both my husband and I came before God. When in contact with brothers and sisters, I heard them fellowship that when they were in conflict with others in everyday life, they would self-reflect to find where they had gone wrong and to know what kind of corrupt disposition they lived in, and then read God’s words to resolve their own corrupt disposition. The way in which they resolve the conflict was inconceivable to me, and the word “self-reflect” felt quite new to me. In retrospect, no matter when I interacted with my husband, colleagues or friends, as long as there were conflicts between us, I would complain about others, saying this person was not good and that person had a problem. I always looked to others for causes but never admitted my own mistakes. Later, brothers and sisters communicated with me: “After we were corrupted by Satan, we are full of Satan’s corrupt disposition. We never admit our own mistakes, but instead always fixate our eyes on others, unwilling to submit to each other. In this way, it’s impossible for us to get along with others. Take Adam and Eve for example: In the beginning, they led a peaceful life under God’s guidance in the Garden of Eden; however, after they were tricked into sinning by Satan, their hearts moved away from God and they had Satan’s corrupt disposition within them. As a result, when God asked them whether they had eaten the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they didn’t voluntarily admit their own mistakes; rather, they shirked their own responsibilities.” Through their fellowship, my mind felt much more clear.

Later, I read the following passage of God’s words: “Before he was corrupted by Satan, man naturally followed God and obeyed His words. He was naturally of sound sense and conscience, and of normal humanity. After being corrupted by Satan, his original sense, conscience, and humanity grew dull and were impaired by Satan. Thus, he has lost his obedience and love toward God. Man’s sense has become aberrant, his disposition has become the same as that of an animal….

In addition, I read some words in Sermons and Fellowship on Entry Into Life: “Nowadays, the interpersonal relationships of all people are not normal. It is mainly because man has been deeply corrupted by Satan and their character is extremely low. They all put profit first, only want to take advantage of others, and have their own intentions and opinions on everything. All human beings are living for themselves and their flesh. They have no concern or care for others and even don’t have the affection and love that they ought to have. Among the whole human, they scheme against each other, guard against each other, fight both openly and secretly with each other, and can’t get along with each other normally. The conscience and reason that they should have are gone. With their hearts filled with evil and fighting, people are opposed to each other and sworn enemies of each other, without the slightest likeness of a man. They are completely occupied by Satan and the satanic philosophies are filled with their hearts.”

Through God’s words and the sermons and fellowship, I understood that the mankind God had created in the beginning was originally obedient to His words and were conscientious and rational. Today, the reason why my husband and I could not get along but frequently had fallings out was that after we had been corrupted by Satan, our hearts were filled with Satan’s corrupt disposition and there was no normal humanity and reason left in us. Because of my arrogance, selfishness and contemptibility, I always thought myself right and wanted my husband to listen to me. Therefore, when he disagreed with me, I would reproach him or ignore him. And I had never been tolerant and patient in my interaction with him; instead, I always blamed him for his failing to spare my feelings. As a result, we frequently quarreled and what followed one quarrel was that we did not speak to each other for a long time, and neither of us was willing to admit our own mistakes; consequently, we both lived in pain and there was no harmony in our family. In the meanwhile, I also understood that the reason why so many harmonious families break off in the end is that we humans are full of Satan’s corrupt disposition. So, no matter how close two persons are, it’s unavoidable that they would argue with and scheme against each other and may even become enemies, no longer having contact with each other. What is revealed in God’s words made me find the source of the problem. I was also willing to rely on God and seek the truth to extricate myself from Satan’s afflictions.

Later, I saw it said in the Sermons and Fellowship on Entry Into Life: “We should have several principles of practice if we want to get along with others normally. We cannot be satisfied with nothing more than not taking unfair advantage of and not harming others. Besides, we should have love and have conscience and reason even more; we should tolerate and help each other and care for others so that others can benefit in all things; we should think about others but not only think about ourselves, should sympathize with others’ weaknesses and pardon others’ transgressions. Only with these principles can we establish the normal relationship with others, and be on friendly terms with others.” “A normal relationship between a husband and a wife is maintained by conscience. If you are without conscience, your marriage is loveless; if you have no reason, you cannot live in harmony with your spouse. If you have conscience and sense, and through all your actions your wife (husband) regard you as a good person, then she (he) will admire your character and get on well with you. On the contrary, if you have no love, no conscience and no humanity, and your spouse don’t appreciate or approve of what you do, then she (he) will feel an aversion to you. Therefore, the relationship between people is maintained by conscience and reason. People cannot get on well with others without conscience and sense.”

Through the sermons and fellowship, I understood how we should interact with each other to be after God’s heart. God hopes that in our dealing with others, we can treat others’ weakness with tolerance and patience and be loving toward others, and that we can be considerate of others on everything rather than just care about our own interests. It’s even more necessary for husband and wife to show concern for each other and sympathize with each other’s weaknesses. We shouldn’t fixate our eyes on the other and find fault with each other. Recall the time I spent with my husband: I was arrogant, selfish, and unreasonable, but I even asked him to tolerate me. I didn’t live out the likeness of a real person at all. The sermons and fellowship showed me the way of practice: Later on, when I have a conflict with my husband, the first thing I should do is to pray before God, look into myself, and then seek the truth to resolve my own corruption and live by God’s words. I also knew that I should practice and enter into the truth first, and only in this way can my husband be convinced and thus can we get along well.

Later, as for cleaning, if I disliked the way my husband did it, I wouldn’t criticize him anymore. Since I love cleanliness, I should willingly do the cleaning more. As to the food he cooked, I was no longer choosy about it. Sometimes, he would shout at me when there was a conflict between us. At such time, I did not quarrel with him but quickly came before God to pray, and reflected on myself and found if I did something wrong, and if so, I would proactively offer my apologies to him and admit my own mistakes. As I acted according to God’s requests, I found he also changed. Once, after my husband lost his temper, he suddenly apologized to me: “Sorry, I shouldn’t have lost my temper with you just now. It’s my fault. It’s so arrogant of me to only vent my anger on you and show no regard for your feelings and have no tolerance for you at all.” Seeing my husband’s change, I was surprised and comforted.

In this way, my husband got angry with me less and less. He could also listen to my advice on educating our child. On the subject of buying my daughter clothes, I was no longer so willful. My husband’s opinion was right. My daughter would soon grow out of many of her clothes, hence it’s so wasteful of money to buy too much clothes for her. Although there were still conflicts between us, at such times, we no longer quarreled with each other or give the silent treatment to each other; instead, we read God’s words together and self-reflected to find where we went wrong and what kind of corrupt disposition caused it. Then we opened up and fellowshiped with each other, and then acted according to God’s requests. When we put into practice what God had taught, our relations became more and more harmonious. This is all due to God’s words changing us and is a result of God’s work on us.

book, read

God’s words say: “In the dispositions of normal people there is no crookedness or deceitfulness, people have a normal relationship with each other, they do not stand alone, and their lives are neither mediocre nor decadent. So, too, is God exalted among all, His words permeate among man, people live in peace with one another and under the care and protection of God, the earth is filled with harmony, without the interference of Satan, and the glory of God holds the utmost importance among man. Such people are like angels: pure, vibrant, never complaining about God, and devoting all their efforts solely to God’s glory on earth.” After reading God’s words, I was deeply moved. Only if we live by God’s words, can we resolve our own satanic corrupt disposition and have a normal relationship with others. If we don’t come before God, we cannot live in harmony with our spouse no matter what method we use, including turning to savants. God’s word is the only good medicine to settle marital conflicts. Living by God’s words is the secret of marital harmony. It can be seen that God’s work of changing people’s disposition is so meaningful! Praise God!

Dear brothers and sisters, if you have any understanding or enlightenment from God, welcome to share with us via:1. The online chat window at the bottom of the website. 2. Send an email to [email protected].We sincerely hope we’ll grow spiritually through sharing with each other.

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